This Winter

Chapter 36

Present

"What are you doing here, Noah?"

His back was towards me as he sat on relatively fresh dirt. The gray headstone facing him as he sat with his knees to his chest. It's too cold for him to be out here but he doesn't seem to shiver much.

He doesn't answer me and instead I take a seat beside him. Imitating him when I bring my own knees to my chest. The relatively fresh dirt and grass is wet from melted snowflakes and it seeps into my pants.

He lets out a soft laugh when I lacked flexibility in my legs to sit so perfectly, that and the give in my pants were minimum.

"How are you?" I mumble as my eyes read the words printed before me. Kurtis Anderson, June 1955- December 2018. A loving father and husband.

The word loving is peculiar to me in that moment, but I brush it off.

"I still don't know," he whispers without a waiver to his voice, but his eyes are glossy. He lets go of his knees and his legs fall into cross legged. I do the same.

I can feel his knee pressed against mine and both of our eyes are drawn to it. A warmth spreads from my knee to my stomach and settles there. It challenges the cold air and for a moment I forget it's December.

Noah smiles softly and a tear rolls down the side of his face but he doesn't acknowledge it.

"I don't know how you do it, Ethan."

"Do what?"

"How you make me feel like a teenager again," he smiles to himself, "You come back here and all it takes is a few smiles and I'm regressing back to my youth. I feel like an awkward, closeted boy who's falling for his best friend."

I stare into his eyes a little intensely after those last few words. Falling. I fell hard for Noah the first time and I wonder if it could happen again.

My eyes start to drift to his lips but it's not the time nor place so instead I move my eyes from his face.

"I stopped being that boy years ago, Ethan. I didn't have you to stand up for me so I had to do it myself."

"I never meant to-"

"I know you didn't. But maybe it was good for me. To learn how to tell people 'no' and shit," he sighs, "Had you not been there all the years of school I would've gotten picked on. You were this strong boy with confidence I lacked."

I don't know what to say so I just think for a moment. Wondering if I ever held him back in some ways or maybe I protected him.

"It wasn't really your fault though. It was me who let you protect me. I did the same with my parents too, I guess.. maybe.. I don't know really."

I nod and my eyes study his face curiously.

"You know when I went to college I was a mess too," he nods, "I drank and slept with some guys. It's kind of how I met Stephen."

He meets my eyes and I quirk my eyebrows. I thought Stephen said they didn't sleep together.

As if he read my mind he laughs. "He didn't even get his pants off before I had a full blown meltdown before him. Crying about how I missed you and shit."

"I think what sucked more about everything was that I couldn't even hate you under the circumstances. I still worried about you constantly and loved you so fucking much."

"Noah it was okay to hate me. It was shitty of me-"

"I couldn't hate you, Ethan. It just upset me that you wouldn't let me help you."