This Winter

Chapter 10

The song above is the one playing during the sixth grade dance! I listen to it for inspiration.

Present

Savannah's words cut deep. I wanted to know the truth. I needed to know the truth.

I sat in my car, sitting in the IHOP parking lot. Staring into the window at Savannah's family. They were laughing and eating together, unaware of my particularly odd behavior. On the outside I was pretty sure I appeared as a stalker, but on the inside I was thinking about how happy I am for her.

She had found her purpose and meaning in life; I was jealous. Sure, I was a teacher and had my own apartment. I liked my job a lot, but it was never enough. I still felt like I had a void in my heart.

I pulled out my phone, tapping on my contacts list. Finding his name, still placed in my phone. I never deleted it, no matter how hard things got. No matter how strained my relationship became with him, I kept it.

My thumb grazed over the call button. I didn't know if I should press it.

He might've changed numbers.

I shouldn't call, he could be grieving.

I don't want to worry him.

I took a shaky breath, thumb still over the number. With tightly shut eyes.. I pressed call.

"Hello?" the voice echoed in my ear. My whole body felt cold, my chest freezing over his voice. His voice. I hadn't heard it in years, he still sounded the same. It was still the voice I fell in love with, years ago.

"Noah," my voice was breathy and urgent. I instantly felt embarrassed over the line. I took a calm breath and rephrased, "Hi, Noah."

I could hear him chuckle awkwardly over the line, his laugh very distant, almost like he had pulled the phone away. "Ethan? H-how are you?"

"Good, I'm doing good.. I'm, I'm here, Noah."

I can feel him over the phone. His soft breath over the line, "I got your email, I just. I just wasn't sure if you would come."

We fall into a conversation, briefly catching up and reacquainting ourselves.

After a while I take a risk. "Do you think we could meet?" I wait for a response, but he doesn't say anything at first, so I add, "I think we need to talk."

There is a silence again. I am afraid he will say 'no'. It's been years, maybe he's done with that part of his life. Maybe he has moved on. I haven't though, not completely. I need a resolution, I need to finish our chapter of my life.

His voice is faint over the phone, but I hear him. I hear him clear as day.

"Yes."

***

Junior Year

Noah never told me what made him cry that summer night. Whatever was on his mind, he was trying to forget.

When school started again, Noah threw himself into his books. Savannah was finally gone, but I still barely saw him because most of the time he was at home studying. His grades were impeccable, but I was worried about his emotional state.

I would see him in the morning, bags under his eyes as he struggled to match his smiles to his eyes.

He lied to me more frequently, about little things. "I'm fine," or "Yeah, I slept."

He was pushing himself so much. Isolating himself from everyone. I knew it wouldn't take long before he would break.. I just didn't know when or how it would happen.