This Winter

Chapter 38

Senior Year

"I can go to the play," I tell Noah excitedly Wednesday morning.

"Really?" He asks as he shoves a notebook in his locker.

"Mom said she'd be passed out after her surgery and doesn't need me," I pause and then lean on the row of lockers, "Do you want me to bring anything special to the play, Noah?" My voice is suggestive as I stare into his eyes.

"Yes," he breathes. His face is flustered and I laugh softly.

"What would you like for me to bring to the play, Noah? Popcorn?"

"Shut up," he says with a huff and shuts his locker, "I already told you what I wanted during the play."

I laugh and add, "Maybe the play will have enough energy for an encore." With that comment he shoves me playfully and starts to walk towards his class.

I laugh and catch up to him, nudging his arm when I'm beside him. "I might've worked something out for prom too."

He pauses in his steps and his eyes stare at me wishfully. I know he wishes we could go together. "What about it?"

"If I take Ashley and you take Stephanie we could meet up together," I suggest, "And maybe hangout together while they dance."

"You and Ashley?" He questions with confusion.

"What about it? I mean you could go with Ashley and I'll-"

"Nevermind," he says with a shake of the head, "I just- nevermind."

"Okay weirdo," I say a beat later and shrug, "I think we can make the most out of our situation."

He looks to me and then smiles, "You're right. Thank you." Something still seems to be bothering him but I don't question it.

Instead I take his praise and drop the subject. Ignoring how his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes.

***

Present

I miss holding him.

With his head leaning on my shoulder and his breath tickling my neck. The warmth that fills my lungs in the cold air.

"My mother is upset. Devastated that he's dead," he almost chuckles, "I never once saw them affectionate. They only ever talked to put on a show for the neighbors."

"It's change I guess. Nobody likes change," I tell him.

"Still," he shrugs.

"Wasn't college a little intimidating for you? Change can be scary."

"No. I was more worried about you," he states.

"Bad example, but it's probably scary for her to realize she's alone. Regardless if she loved him romantically, she's going to miss him."

He only shrugs. Keeps his head rested on my shoulder but he's tense when my hand brushes his.

"Tell me something good," he requests.

I pause for a moment. Think about my current life and how much calmer my life is now. How steady.

"I'm a godfather I guess," I smile, "My best friend Lauren had a son four years ago. His name is Lucas."

"That's cute," he smiles.

"I babysit him whenever Lauren and Jake go out on dates," I smile, "Celebrate holidays together and go to his soccer games."

"I want kids someday," he says with a sad smile, "I'm not sure if it will work out." His brow furrows as he thinks in silence.

"I do too," I sigh.

I used to think that maybe Noah and I could adopt one day. That we could be Dad's and have children to care for. A distant future I hoped so badly for.

I always knew I wanted to have children of my own to care for. Lately it had seemed my life was not headed for that direction. Maybe the closes thing to being a father was caring for Lucas and my students.

When my eyes drift to Noah's detached smile I wonder if he ever shared the same dream as I.

"You would make a great father," he says, "You were so sweet to my niece." He smiles but it doesn't meet his eyes.

A tear runs from his eye. Across his red cheeks that are cold from the wind. It leaves a stain that glistens in the light and I watch as he quickly wipes it away.

Tears well in his eyes and his face scrunches as he fights them back.

"I tried to forget about you for a long time," he confesses, "I don't know why it's so hard for me to move on. I don't even fucking know why I invited you." He harshly wipes his face as I stare at him in slightly shock.

"I should be thinking about him," he points to the headstone in shame, "But I can't seem to feel anything about it and I don't think that's normal."

"Everybody deals with death differently, Noah."

He closes his eyes and shakes his head. "I think I want to leave. I want to go somewhere."

"That's fine, I'll be inside," I tell him and stand up. Stretching my legs from sitting so long and wiping the grass from my pants.

"I want you to go with me," he asks before I leave.

I don't know what he's implying when he asks me. I don't know where he plans to go or even if he has an idea.

I only came here for him, so I nod my head yes.

"I need to see someone first before we go anywhere," I tell him my one condition and he nods.

"You haven't seen-" I nod before he finishes, "How long has it been."

"Four years," I tell him.

"I didn't know you visited."

"Yeah, well I didn't want anyone to see me," I shrug and stare off into the distance.

He nods his head slowly and pulls himself up from the ground. "I need to tell Stephen I'm leaving first."

"You go do that. I'll meet you back inside," I tell him.

He gives me a soft smile and stares into my eyes for a moment. His head turns back to the building for a second and then back to me. "Tell her I said hello," he says softly, "I haven't spoke to her in a while."

"I will," I smile and he turns away from me.

I watch as he stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jackets. Sways slightly as he walks to the building with the wind blowing against his curly hair.

My chest feels heavy.

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