This Winter

Chapter 43

Present

I find what I'm looking for underneath a tree, past grey headstones. A name scrawled on the top. Anne Callaway, loving mother.

Her headstone isn't as fancy as others. Seems as if thought wasn't put much behind it and it saddens me. I should've picked it out, I should've decided what it said.

Unfortunately, I didn't. At the time my heart couldn't bear it, so the Andersons arranged the funeral for me. Probably the kindest thing they had ever done.

I hadn't come to her actual grave in years. When she first passed I spent days and nights laying on the grass and crying into the ground. Hoping her arms would one day rise and hold me- it never happened.

Eventually I left town and I had found other ways to cope.

I'd call her phone number and leave voicemails- updating her on my life. At first it would play her voicemail message, but after a while it was disconnected. Instead I would be greeted with a robotic voice informing me the number did not exist- I would leave a message anyways.

One day the robotic voice told me that a voicemail was not set up properly. Somebody had received her phone number, but they never made a voicemail message. Whoever they were I left countless of voicemails pretending to talk to my mother- the receiver never called me back. I wondered if they ever listened to them.

But now I was sitting in front of her grave, just like when I was at eighteen.

I sat with my legs crossed and played subconsciously with the grass at my feet. Stared at the grey headstone and smiled softly to myself. With a soft voice I said, "Hello, Mom."

I pulled a flower from the inside of my coat pocket that was wilted and crumbled. It was once a thriving daisy I had stolen from the lobby of the hotel.

"I guess it's the gesture not the gift," I grimaced and rolled the stem of the daisy between my fingertips. Never the less placing the flower gently in front of the headstone. "I'm sorry I haven't brought you flowers in a while."

I sigh softly and then smile towards the headstone as if she is there.

"I'm back in town. It's been quite a few years, but don't worry- I never forgot about you. I hope you've been receiving my calls. I still love you and think about you everyday," I sigh, "It's funny how I'm seeing Noah after all these years. I thought we would be together forever. You probably did too."

I rip a piece of dead grass from the ground and inspect it as I speak, "Aunt Lynn has been well. Lennie has been recovering since his pancreatic surgery and is doing a lot better," I throw the blade of grass at my feet, "They believe the cancer is gone, it hasn't shown up in the CT or MRI scan. So that's been a huge relief."

"It's weird how all odds were stacked against him, but somehow he's pulled through. I- I don't understand how things work sometimes- given how, things happen with you," I let out a large breath of air, "Life is weird... maybe there's a purpose to all of this- Or maybe not."

I shrug and look over my shoulder to the building the memorial is being held, "I guess I should be getting back to Noah. He needs someone right now and I don't know why but he chose me.. maybe this is my shot to make amends."

I stand up from where I'm sitting. Dust my pants off and stretch my limbs.

"Goodbye, Mom. I love you," I speak to the headstone with a small smile, "Oh, and Noah told me to say hello. He still loves you too."