This Winter

Chapter 20

Junior Year

"Pour 1/4 cup of vegetable oil," Noah reads from the back of a red box of cookies.

"Vegetable oil. Where's the vegetable oil?" I run around the kitchen opening drawers and cabinets in a rush.

Addie follows after me, uselessly opening the same cabinets after me. I don't have the heart to tell her what she's doing is ineffective.

"Found it," Noah declares after opening the first cabinet.

"I would've found it," I mutter.

He stirs away in the large blue bowl. Holding the bowl steadily in his left hand and mixing with his right.

Once it's 95% stirred he hands it to Addie to finish the rest off. She proudly whisks away, feeling happy to participate. The plastic crown still on her head as she mixes away because she refused to take it off- wanting to gloat all night.

She excitedly pours the chocolate chips in when Noah takes over the rest of the mixing.

Then the three of us roll the dough into clumps and place it on the baking sheet ready to bake them in the oven

We place the cookies in the oven and Addie dramatically wipes her forehead and huffs, causing a chuckle to erupt from my mouth.

We all huddle together on the couch, searching the TV for a movie or cartoon.

We settle on Sponge Bob and somehow I laugh at stupid jokes that have never been funny before.

I feel happy. Noah and I actually converse together and my heart swells. He's no longer ignoring me and it feels that our friendship has been mended.

***

After baking cookies and a large glass of milk later I'm tucking Addie into her bed.

Noah stands at the door after tiding up the place, while I sit at the foot of her bed conversing.

"I had a lot of fun," she whispers. Her covers tucked up to her chin and the pink crown still placed on her head.

"Yeah?"

"My mom's going to get married tomorrow. Did you know?"

I nod my head as she yawns. "I like Mr. Frank. He's nice," she tells me.

"I'm glad," I smile and another yawn escapes her mouth. I gently pull the crown of her head and rest it on her nightstand. "Get some sleep, Addie. Goodnight," I whisper to her and ruffle her hair before exiting the room.

Noah exits the room as well and I pull the door of her room shut.

It's the first time we've been alone for awhile and I'm afraid we'll slip into an awkwardness again. After how the day went, I don't want to feel uncomfortable around him again. At least not tonight. Not after I've had fun baking cookies and dressing in princess accessories with him.

"I set up you're air-mattress."

My chest constricts when I realized he's already distancing himself again. "Thank you," I heave.

Neither of us move despite his words.

I stare at his face under the darkness. It's hard to see his expression with only light from down stares shining in the house. I can see his face move, his head turn to the side and soon he's walking down the steps.

I run a hand through my dark hair and drop it. With a sigh I follow him as well.

He's escaped to the bathroom, ready to dress for bed. I can see the light shining through the slits in the door.

I walk into the guest bedroom. A double bed rests in the room and beside it an air-mattress is dressed in sheets and pillows.

It's fucking stupid. I've shared a bed with him countless times before. Fuck, I shared his lips but now we suddenly can't even sleep under the same sheets.

I angrily pull my duffel bag from the floor and toss it on the bed. I pull out a pair of sweats and a shirt to change into. Not my normal nighttime attire but it's the most appropriate for sleeping in another person's house.

I hear the sound of the door creaking open behind me but I don't dare to turn around yet.

I think he can tell from my posture that I'm angry because I hear his voice whisper gently, "Ethan?"

I throw my clothes down on the bed and turn to him. A blue Jefferson sweatshirt covers his body and shorts. He's looking at me curiously and it angers me slightly more.

"What's wrong?"

I almost chuckle with bitterness. What's wrong. Like he doesn't believe that his actions are what's wrong.

"What's wrong, Noah? Really?"

He shrugs and stares off to the side, uncomfortable by my gaze.

"That's what's wrong, Noah," I gesture towards him unable to maintain eye-contact. Through a strained whisper I speak again, gesturing to the air-mattress, "This is what's wrong."

His eyes finally meet mine and he cowers slightly like a dog whose been caught in the trash.

I continue, "We've been friends since fourth grade and you want to throw it all away?! Over a single confession and stupid kiss? I-I thought tonight that things were looking up- that maybe we would be okay." I'm still whispering over the fear of wakening Addie, but enough frustration evident in my voice.

"We shouldn't. I-I," he drops his head when he's unable to rebuttal.

"I don't want to lose you, Noah."

He looks at me and his eyes are blurry with tears but a frown covering his face. A fire sparks in his blue eyes. "You-you fucked it up. You shouldn't have told me. You shouldn't have looked at me like that," he accuses.

It's the first time I've heard him cuss.

"Like what? Do I make you question things, Noah?" I take a few steps towards him.

"Fuck you."

"No, fuck you. You kissed me! You're not fucking straight and you can't accept it, so you're blocking me out." My teeth are clenched and I take another step towards him. "Don't bring it out on me."

"I'm not," he answers through a clenched jaw.

"Then why don't you talk to me anymore? Huh?" I mock and take another step towards him.

He doesn't answers so he settles for another, "Fuck you."

I'm closer to him now, his breath fanning my face as he heaves. The strained whispers leaving him breathless. Our chests almost touch and our eyes are glaring into each other. I'm more riled up arguing with him than in football.

I also can't help but realize that this is the first argument we've had. "No.." I tell him with a laugh, pause for affect and then, "Fuck you."

And then our lips are crashing.

Cliff hanger... dun dun dunnn!

Christmas has proven to be very stressful, last week when I told y'all about my stress.. the week went downhill- probably to one of the scariest weeks of my life.

My dog ate a shit ton of grapes (to the point where she could die from kidney failure) and at 10 I had to drive to the city over to take her to the vet.. didn't get home until 2. (I skipped class that morning)

My Dad was in the ER briefly and so was my Grandad.

I had a 2 hour math exam( the least of my worries at that point)

Butttt... its a Christmas miracle because my dog is alive (they pumped her stomach) and both my Dad and Grandad are okay!!

All my hospital trips were late in the night and I had work and school in the morning so that was hard, but everybody is fine and that's all that matters!!

Sometimes it's just hard to see the light.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING MY BOOK!!!