Suggested Song: Shadow of the Wind by Sean Heathcliff
Cassidys POV
Do you know what it's like to sit and watch life go by, while your frozen in time? Captivated by your own depression that you just stop your life. Stop moving forward, stop trying, stop living.
Everything seems pointless.
And suddenly the small things like seeing your friends, doing the things you love, making your bed, become... not important.
Then the bigger things, like taking a shower, eating, and even getting out of bed in the morning are impossible.
Life falls apart. And all you can do is sit back and watch your own demise like a movie on repeat.
I keep making the same mistakes.
And now the people around me just reflect my mistakes. Like a messed up mirror.
I used to sit and talk to Crystal for hours without feeling like she ever judged me, now, I feel like all she does is judge me.
I feel like I'm a lone performer on some stupid talent show, and everyone I've ever met are the judges. Like instead of throwing roses at my feet, they sit disgusted.
I had buried myself so far into this grave and forgotten about the people who keep me alive.
I had come so far with Colby. We had gone from despising each other to me falling in love with him.
There...
I finally said it.
But could I tell Colby...
No...
Could I tell Sam...
Nah uh...
Could I even mention it to Crystal...
Good luck...
I was still for some reason surrounded by people, but they all were just a blur in the background.
White noise
I could see them, touch them, even talk to them... But it was like it wasn't really me talking, it was auto pilot, and I couldn't reach the switch anymore.
I got up and groggily chucked on a jumper. The morning LA air was cold.
I shuffled out to the living room to see Colby standing in the kitchen.
"Hey" he said as he looked at me curiously
"H-hey"
"Look Cassidy... I'm sorry about Crystal. I know her dad is an asshole, but fuck... We both know she will be back. Even if that means she gets hurt, we tried. What else can we really do?"
"I know Colby, just... I feel like I should've said more to her ya know? Like maybe if I said something different... She would still be here with us" I said, continuing to overthink the situation.
God that made it sound like she died
I wanted to see Crystal again. I wanted her to be here. I needed her here.
After all the shit, and the bickering and the lies... I still loved her
*nnnnNNNNAAARRRRrrrrr... Sorry. Anyone get the reference?!*
"Colby... Do you ever regret becoming friends with me?" I say as I look up from my twiddling thumbs.
Colby doesn't reply straight away. Which I'm actually thankful for because that means he at least is putting some thought into his next words.
"Honestly... After all the shit that went on, all the long nights in tears and all the days filled with yelling fight feasts... I don't regret being your friend. I've really come to respect you Cassidy"
"You really think so?" I say, my eyes forming all puffy like
"Yeah. I can't imagine where I would be without you fighting along side me. Sometimes I feel like you are there for me more than Sam is" his cute smile light a fire and took camp in my heart.
Hearing Colby's honest words made everything seem not so messy.
He was like that shit vacuum cleaner that you had to kick to start, and even though the floor still wasn't clean... It took away a few crumbs from my lumps of problems.
"That reminds me... I need to talk to Rosey" I say as I walk to my bedroom where my phone had been sitting.
I picked it up and dialed her number.
"What!?" She picked up with a hasty and rough tone after one ring... It was like she was waiting for this call
"Rosey... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone off at you, and I shouldn't have hurt you because I was hurting. These last couple of weeks... I have somehow managed to push everyone I love away. Mum and Dad will barely answer my calls, you practically hate me, Sam hasn't come home in days, Crystal is in London with her dad after she told me to fuck off... I just..."
My tears filled up. Emotional times.
"I'm sick of losing people and... I-I feel helpless and I've just messed...e-everything up. Where do I turn now... I have fallen hard these last couple of weeks and... I don't want to lose you"
Silence rung through the phone, at first I wondered if she had hung up but then I heard a small breath vibrate from the other side of the phone.
Suddenly silence was broken
"Cassidy I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't treated you like that. I know you are unstable. I-I'm so sorry" I could hear the tears running down her face.
I hadn't heard Rosey generally cry in years. I think the last time I actually made her cry was when I was five.
I had smacked her in the face with my toy after I got frustrated.
I felt so bad.
I remember feeling so awful that I also burst into tears as well.
We were both sitting in the backward balling our eyes out.
I remember mum running out and cuddling us both and telling us it was ok.
"Cassidy... What happened to you. Why are you like this? So bipolar. One minute you're picking fights with people, the next you're searching for peace like it's your antidote" she said as I heard her wiping her tears away
"I-I... don't know"
"Cassidy... I remember who you used to be. Carefree, happy, the world was your empire... And you were fucking ruling it"
She was right. I found happiness in everything.
"I feel in love" I simply replied. Not even thinking about the words pouring out of my mouth
"I feel in love with someone I hated... and I hated myself for it. He hurt me every single day and... I still feel in love with him"
"Colby..." I heard her say
"Yeah..." I smiled
I knew she was on my level. I knew she understood. I didn't need to hear her say it, I felt it.
It felt like relief...
