We'd be good to each other (Josh Ramsay/Marianas Trench fanfiction)

Chapter 30

*Josh's Pov*

You're fat! Loser! Just an addict, nothing more. Faggot! Ramsay is such a weirdo!

"Shut up!" I yelled. 

I woke up and almost fell out of Hannah's bed. Shit that was some dream. Did I wake her though? I looked over at her and saw she still was sleeping peacefully. I got up because I didn't want to go back to sleep and into that same dream. The thing is, all those phrases and names have actually been thrown at me while I still went to Magee. I need to figure what I want to do with that band Matt and I have. I need to write again and let all these crazy feelings out. Speaking of out, I went to the bathroom to puke. I had eaten so much yesterday morning and I felt horrible. My dream was right about a few of the things. I was fat. I was a loser.
I checked in with Hannah when I was done in the bathroom. She was still fully asleep so I decided to go for a run. I just jumped out the window because I didn't want to leave the door unlocked while they all were sleeping. I think I ran for a good hour, I went to the park where Hannah took me when she told me I was invited over for dinner at the Murray's. I remember I was so excited about it. I was actually wearing the same pants, that I was wearing that night, right now. Maybe my best pair of skinny jeans. They weren't meant for running though. So when I felt I was beginning to make a leak, I ran back home to my girl. It was nice to get some fresh air for once. I looked at the time when I got back. Half past seven on a Sunday. Everyone was still asleep so I crawled in the window again and went to take a quick shower. I didn't want to smell of sweat. To be honest that isn't the nicest smell to wake up to. I got that done and quickly ran away from the mirror. In Hannah's room, I stripped out of my clothes and went back to the warm bed. Hannah shivered when my cold and still half-wet body moved closer to her. I didn't mean to wake her up but it happened. 

"Morning, babe..." She opened her eyes just for a moment. "You smell good," She said as her eyes again were closed.

"Good morning, baby..." I said.

Aw, she's so adorable when she's sleepy. I caressed her cheek and planted a little kiss on the top of her head. I saw her smiling and I loved that it was because of me. I laid myself down next to her and wrapped my arms around her. I smiled too when she grabbed a hold of my hands and held them close to herself. 

"You're so handsome, Josh..." She kissed my hands. 

"Thank you, darling. You're always too sweet to me," I said close to her ear.

Hannah turned around so she was facing me. She looked me in my eyes and leaned forward. It was so cute when she wanted to kiss me. I could never ever deny her of my touch. She deserved it more than anyone else. I put my hand behind her head and guided her face to mine. Hannah's kisses were always super sweet and gentle. I loved them. They were something different compared to when I started our kisses. I was curious though, did she like to kiss more sweetly than what we usually did?

"Baby?" I said when we stopped kissing.

"Mmmhh?" She said.

"Do you even like when I kiss you more roughly? Like would you rather want to kiss like we just did? I've just been wondering about it," I said.

"I love all our kisses, Josh. I guess it would depend on the occasion," She said.

"Okay, that's good. I think so too," I said.

"I'm hungry. Should we go get some breakfast?" Hannah asked.

"Uhm... Sure," I honestly didn't want to. 

We got out of bed and got dressed. I only had the clothes I had been running in and the shirt smelled like shit. It was so gross that I couldn't even get it on my clean body. I stood there in my skinny jeans and socks. Hannah was ready to head to the kitchen but I didn't know what to do with my upper half. 

"Baby?" I looked down at myself. "Do you perhaps have a shirt I can borrow? I went for a run so this sticks," I asked and held up my shirt to show her. 

"I don't think I have anything that will fit you..." She looked around.

"Oh, well then..." I said and looked around too.

"I wouldn't mind if you just went out like this though," Hannah said.

I walked towards her and kept a deep stare. I was looking suspiciously at her and she put a smirk on her face. I knew she liked my chest a lot and I wasn't sure if she was just playing me now or if she actually didn't have ANYTHING I could fit in. 

"So if I went through your whole closet, there wouldn't be anything at all I could wear?" I asked again.

"Well..." She looked down at her feet. "There might be," She looked up at me again with innocent eyes. 

"I know you too well at this point..." I said and grabbed around her waist.

"You do have a nice chest though, babe," She said and bit her lip.

I leaned down and kissed her hard. Although it was a quick kiss, I could feel her getting weak knees. Still to this day, I couldn't understand how she was turned on by me? I was hideous.  
Anyway, we walked out into the kitchen after I got a hoodie of my own on. I had left it there one of the first times I was here and Hannah hadn't returned it. I guessed she didn't want to. Hannah took some eggs out of the fridge and made scrambled eggs. I put down two plates on the table for us and a set of glasses. Hannah said there was orange juice in the fridge. I found it and along with that, I also took some milk out. 

"Sit down, Josh. It's almost ready," Hannah said.

I walked over to the table and took a seat. She looked hot, standing there in her sleepwear. It contained one of my t-shirts that she had stolen from me and just a pair of soft shorts. As the food was done, Hannah put it on the table and sat down in front of me. 

"I'm so hungry, aren't you too, babe?" She asked.

"I am," I lied.

I couldn't tell her. I was sure her eggs tasted wonderful but I couldn't get myself to eat too much again. I also knew that I was going to throw it up right after. I hated my appearance. I think I deserved to feel pretty and to be that I had to lose weight. I wished that I was thin and had perfect skin. I ate one whole portion and waited for Hannah to be done with her breakfast. I also helped clean up the kitchen. We messed around with the soap and got pretty damn wet with all the water everywhere. It ended up with we also needed to wash the floor. 

"This is your fault, Josh..."Hannah threw more water at me.

"Oh, is that so, huh? I think we were pretty even in making this mess," I laughed and hugged her.

"Josh! You're so wet, get off me," She tried pushing me away.

"I'll never let go, Jack!" I used a Titanic reference. 

"Oh, wow... Really with that?" Hannah laughed along with me. "Let's go get this wet clothes off and chill out. Should we watch a movie?" She asked.

"Sounds like the perfect way to spend time," I said. "I'll just use the bathroom for a sec and then I'll be with you," I said.

"Okay," She lifted her head up for me to kiss her. 

"Love you," I said and pecked her lips. 

"Love that butt," Hannah smacked my ass after I left her lips. 

"Yours is better though..." I said and went to the bathroom. 

I smiled at the thought of her.... and her butt. That smile went away quickly again when I saw myself in the mirror. I looked at my ass and my legs and my stomach. I felt so hideous. I turned on the water in the sink and got down on my knees in front of the toilet. I forced my fingers down my throat and tried not to make gagging noises. It was hard to puke silently but I didn't want Hannah to find out about it. She thought I was happy now that I was out of rehab, that everything was super duper. It just wasn't. I finally puked and it was loud. Hannah knocked on the door and I froze. I hadn't locked it. She came in and saw me there. I couldn't say anything.