We'd be good to each other (Josh Ramsay/Marianas Trench fanfiction)

Chapter 39

*Josh's Pov*

I took a shower after sitting alone in my room for a week. It felt nice to be clean and not smell like some homeless dude down the street. I had planned to go meet up with Matt and Ian at the studio to sort a couple of things out. We were still in need of a bassist so that was some of the things we would talk about. I hadn't really told my parents about the break up yet. I didn't feel like it was necessary just yet. My mom had been so upset since I told her I didn't want to live. 
I haven't said a word to Matt or Ian yet but I would also do that when I saw them. Hannah and I hadn't talked since the day. It felt so weird but I had to do it. She would only find happiness without me. She just needed to see it and then she would know I did the right thing. 

"Mom, I'll be in the studio with Matt and Ian. See you later!" I said as I walked outside.

"Josh! Wait a second," My mom said and ran to the front door.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Take care. I love you," She said and walked up to give me a hug.

"Love you too, Mom..." I said and hugged her back. "The guys are waiting though," I said.

"Late, as usual, Ramsay?" She asked.

"You know it," I said.

She waved to me as I drove off. It was nice to drive again and just concentrate on the road. I listened to the local radio to hear what was popular. It was all so full of pop and I couldn't find the emotions in the songs that were playing. That's something I wanted to change in the music industry. Why play a song if you don't feel anything doing it?
I got to the studio 10 minutes later, traffic was hell. Matt and Ian must have been locked in by my dad because they weren't outside. I parked and headed inside to find them plus some other dude sitting in our usual meeting room. 

"Hey, guys!" I said. 

"Hey, Josh. Hope you don't mind that I brought a friend," Ian said.

"Hi, I'm Mike. Ayley," The guy told me.

"Yeah, that's not a problem at all," I said and faced Mike. "Could you two start checking the numbers for bassists we've found. I just want to talk with Matt for a second," I said.

"That's cool," Ian said.

"Should we?" Matt asked and pointed at the door.

Matt and I walked out of the meeting room. He followed me as I walked to the actual studio because I didn't want Ian and Mike to hear this conversation. I sat down in the chair and suggested Matt could sit on the sofa. 

"What's up, Josh?" Matt asked.

"There's just something I have to get off my chest before we can have this band together," I said.

"Okay, hit it," He said.

"I know you kissed Hannah at you guys' prom and I know you have feelings for her. That's all fine and it's not your fault that I had to break up with her. Fuck, Matt, it's really not your fault and I wish I had the strength to tell you the reason for the breakup but I can't," I said.

"Man... I'm sorry, Josh. How are you two doing?" He asked.

"I haven't spoken to her since," I said.

"How? You were always together. Josh, you're like her only friend," Matt said.

"No, I'm not. She has you and..." I said and thought. "Uhm..." 

"See? And how will she be in contact with me if I'm always with you now because of the band? You have to talk to her," Matt said.

"Matt you don't get it. I can't be with her. I only hurt her and restrict her life," I said.

"What are you talking about? You were her life, Josh! You have no idea how much I wanted to be in your place when she would talk about you. You were always on her mind and she didn't shut up about how much she loved you and adored you every single day," Matt told me.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah! She fucking loves you and then you go and dump her like this," Matt said.

"I'm just not good for her. I love her too, Matt but I can't give her the life she deserves," I said.

"You could at least try. I would not give up like that and you know that I could just go over to her right now. I actually have a chance right now but I'm not letting my feelings get ahead of myself. She's yours and I wouldn't take her when I know she has feelings for you and you for her. Get yourself together, Josh..." Matt said.

"I don't know what to do. I thought I did the right thing for her," I said.

"If you don't know what to do yet then I'll go over to her after the meeting. She needs a friend these days and I'm apparently her only one left," Matt said and walked out.

I could hear he said bye to the other guys and left the studio. Was he pissed at me? I don't think so but he definitely wasn't happy about my decision. I wasn't happy either but maybe Hannah was doing better without me. Maybe she had found new friends because she didn't have me by her side all the damn time. I walked back to Ian and Mike who was just on their way out too when I met them.

"No luck, Josh... Still no bassist," Ian said.

"Yeah they weren't as good as me," Mike laughed.

I thought for less than a second.

"Mike, do you play bass?" I asked.

"I do," He said.

"It's true. I was in a band with him a couple of years back," Ian said.

"Hey, Mike? Do you want to join the band?" I asked.

"Yes," He said.

"Great, welcome to..." I said. "Uhm. We don't have a name," I said.

 "We'll figure it out Ramsay," Ian said and then they walked off.

Alone again. At least I had a band now. A band without a name. That wasn't very catchy or cool. We needed a name quick if we wanted radio time or a record deal. I drove around the city and looked at a few apartments because I had been thinking about moving out of my parents' house. Vancouver had some pretty places and I would really like one that had a view over the sea. There was one I could afford if I were to share it with one. It looked really pretty and I could see myself living there. My mom always told me that when I wanted to move out, it had to be a place where I could see myself living there. Anyway, I drove home and began writing a little for a song I had in mind. It went sort of like:

It started with a handgun.
Loaded with excuses.
I started faking it 

And then we started breaking it 

:(