1. An Implication (Poetry)

-Fifty One-

The Irony In Blank:

It need no title, the words I am about to speak

For someone who was afraid of talking 

To be the one preaching 

Trained to quiet voices of complacent in the home

I am not brave.

For as much as I wish I was, I know in my trembling, sweating hands

Finger nails dug into my palms

That I am a coward.

Because what kind of girl

Can't speak to the people she holds the closest

To the fragile pieces of her heart

About the burdens she doesn't feel like are real?

I am not brave at all.

For what kind of coward am I, to feel this way. To be this way.

To still wonder if there is a certain monopoly on pain.

To still feel guilty even now, to feel like such a fucking coward

For feeling like my problems are not real

For being too nervous to spill the things that are dragging me deeper

Into a depression.

I won't paint the words as if I think they are something pretty

The medical term they told me ranged long, from scary words you don't take seriously 

Until little white pills and a prescription become eerily 

Too real and less like a far off movie 

And I feel so fucking guilty

For talking about goddamn anything in my feelings

I'm sorry. 

Because I am not brave.

I am a shivering coward

With a list of councillors

In a stark white room across a bus stop I've been coming to since I was fifteen. 

It's not fun anymore to be so sad at eighteen. 

How many times can I say the S word without feeling

Like I am a failure of a human being.

How many times can I bite down taboo words 

Swallowing the things I think some nights I have the courage to voice

Without feeling like I want attention.

I promise you I don't.

Because I am a coward.

And I'm becoming too sad to talk about it again.

But I fucking promise you all I'm trying.

Even in this state of semi-lying

I'm getting bad again, a little unsteady

Because I can't talk about these things.

As if I have any right.

Because I don't. 

I have tight lips until the fight gives.

Until the light gives.

I cannot stand the coward that hides in me. 

~I'm so sick of hiding but I'm afraid I'll never come out. 

J.