SEESAW

A ticket to a Fan-Sign...!

Su Mi looked at the ticket in her hand- a ticket to a fan sign event of BTS. She stared at it for hours, at times giving out small cries and at times laughing hysterically at her luck. Her heart gave out a thousand thuds, her hands shivering every time she picked it up from her desk to let it sink in. She paced around the room not knowing what to do about this. Palpitations and anxiety making her a nervous wreck.

The company held a fan sign event for local fans as BTS were busy touring the world the year before. It was 2019. BTS had taken over the world by storm. Their success was immense not only in Korea but internationally. Yoongi now had a million fans going gaga over him. His reputation touched skies and his fame was no joke.

Su Mi had seen everything, their debut, their wins, their struggles and now their fame. 

She sighed as she recollected what had left of their relationship. Tears rolling down her eyes as she recollected every bit of memory Yoongi had engraved in her. It was a journey she was not sure she would want to go through again.

She needed her answers- a lot of them and Yoongi was nowhere near of giving them to her. She had suffered every day, every minute of being on this end of not knowing what to do. Was she foolish to hold on to something she thought Yoongi had given up a long time back? Was she an idiot to think they could have made it? But Yoongi never gave her a final goodbye, now she wanted to hear it from him. She needed his final say. Her final closure.

She had tried hard. As promised, she waited for a long long time. She had stared at her phone for hours, days, months and now years for one message of his, for one call of his, literally anything from him. She had cried for days and nights on, so many times exhausted from shedding tears, she slept on it.

But then there comes a time when there is only so much pain someone can take. There is only so much one can give at times and eventually the day has to come when one has to accept hard facts and harsh truths. There has to be a full stop to this madness.

She knew Yoongi was happy. She had seen his interviews- national and international, his Vlogs, and concert videos. She saw him on bon voyage episodes, twitter with selca uploads, BTS Run and so many other things- millions of fans leaving their loving comments. She saw him being cute and mushy, she saw him being cold and aloof,  she saw him smiling and tearing up at concerts. She heard his cyphers, his songs, and she felt his lyrics. She saw him being Min Yoongi, being AGUST D, and being Suga.  She understood each of his personality individually, who else would?

She saw the videos, the fan cams, various fans uploaded of him at various events, especially the fan sign events with him, holding his hands, taking his autographs. She watched him saying to a fan "Bring the documents" on V live when she asked him to marry her.  She had given up on being jealous a long time ago, there was no more jealousy left in her, only pain and a little anger as she saw her recollected all her calls and messages left unanswered. She did at times feel as if someone stabbed her to million deaths whenever she saw his smiling face, far and away from her reality. He was surely a million million miles away, physically and emotionally. 

She never blamed him for moving on though. As time flew, she knew deep down this was inevitable. She knew and understood all of it.

She hated herself for this; because she understood every bit of it- his remorselessness, his aloofness, his ignorance, his cold methods of letting her know it was all over. She fucking hated the fact that she understood it all and accepted it willingly, that she never fought back nor did she ever confront him for reasons. She didn't need to. She wasn't going to be an obstacle in this magical and happy life he had found for himself. He deserved it all.

Yoongi had no idea though what Su Mi had been through the past few years. Her losses, her tears, her struggle. He had his own world- more aptly he had the world now and she was nowhere included in it.

She realized all of this. She knew she had to give up on her fairy-tale and drop herself into reality. And it was time for her to get her life on track. She had found her a new passion after so much struggle, something she wanted to do with all her heart, and she wanted to give her all. She had to move on and focus on herself, her life and happiness for once. It was time.

Su Mi was trying to recollect their last conversation as she looked at the ticket in her hand again. It was sometime before his WINGS tour or maybe even before that. She had never heard from him post WINGS tour though.

If only she knew the last time they spoke would be their last, she would have at least remembered their conversation, his last I love you, his last I miss you.

Anticipating their scenario when at fan meet, she wondered how will he react? Will he smile after seeing her? Will he hug her and say "Love, I missed you?" Will he hold her and embrace her? 

"Tomorrow after four years," she said to herself, "I see him tomorrow," still looking at the ticket in her hand not knowing what she will say to him, not knowing what he will say to her. 

                                                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yoongi writes-

If I could turn back time,

I would change the moment you fell in love with me.

I broke promises and I broke you.

If I could turn back time,

I would give you every happiness,

by not being a part of your life.