His Only Savior | #Wattys2019

~6~

The following weeks were tremendously dull, Sean was still trying to patch things up, but I simply wasn't interested. Isaac and I talked briefly in Econ, but it usually only consisted of the things we were learning in class. He was certain to keep me at a distance, but we wouldn't be able to keep it up much longer. The Season Kick Off Rally was coming up, which meant so did our routine of every Friday night needing to link arms as if we were friends. I was on the fence about how I felt, on one hand I was hopeful that maybe he would change his mind and upset knowing he most likely wouldn't.

I understood linking arms every Friday night to enter the game didn't mean much but it did to me. We had always been affectionate towards one another as kids holding hands, snuggling up for a movie and if it was cold outside, he always had his arms around me tight crushing our bodies against one another. Even as kids his touch had an entrancing effect on me, it was like a drug to me.

I still remember him teasing me the night of our graduation about him being my addiction, and when I agreed I think he thought I was kidding...but I wasn't. He was my addiction, and our mild reconnection proved he still was.

I woke up with enthusiasm at the idea of seeing him the day of the rally. I gave my makeup and hair extra attention but ensured that it still looked natural. I glanced at the time and was running late so I pulled my clothing on as quick as possible before bounding down the stairs and out the door without breakfast. When I pulled my cheer mates and football players were beginning to gather for line up. I searched for the matte black Harley, but it was nowhere to be found, and I felt my chest tighten.

"Hey Em," Becca called out as she ran over to me. "I was starting to think you wouldn't show."

"Why would you think that?"

"It just isn't like you to be late," she laughed. "Still not talking to Sean?"

"Nope," I frowned. "I just don't know what to say to him."

"Well you definitely can't tell him the truth, if he finds out your feelings for Isaac never went away—" She paused for dramatic effect, "It just wouldn't be good...He's already mad about him stealing the co-captain position from Sam if he knew he also has had your heart this whole time he would go berserk."

"I know, don't worry I'm not going to let him find out. The last thing Isaac needs is trouble from Sean."

"You think you can keep your distance from him, like emotionally?"

I sucked my bottom lip in before mumbling my response, "No. Not really. I just, I need to know if this is as hard for him as it is me."

"You have to, or you want to?" She laughed, "Besides would knowing even make it easier. Think about it, how would knowing he wants you too make it any easier for you guys?"

"I don't know," we both glanced in the direction of the pipes roaring through the parking lot. "I guess I'm about to find out."

"Wait, you're going to ask him now?" Her eyes widened as her jaw dropped.

"I have to know Bec," I gave her arm a light squeeze before walking towards the truth I desperately needed. "Hey," I smiled as he kicked the stand out and rested the weight of the machine against it.

"Hey," he said questionably.

"Can we talk?"

"Don't we have to line up?"

"Not for another fifteen minutes." I half smiled, nervous he would find another reason to decline my request.

He waited an uncomfortable amount of time before finally nodding, "Sure, I think we need to anyways." He dismounted the bike before taking my hand in his and leading me away from the group of players gathering around us. He led us to a small quiet spot, hidden from prying eyes. "Em, I can't keep lying to you," he sounded rushed, nervous even.

"Keep lying to me about what?" I furrowed my brow.

"Why do you think we aren't friends anymore?"

"To be honest I really don't know, that's  why I've been so angry with you," damnit I felt the tears already building. "We were so close and then you just threw me to the side like I never meant a thing to you." He stepped forward engulfing me in his arms pulling me firmly against his chest, "Did I do something wrong?" I finally choked out through the sobs.

"Jesus no, Em you never did anything wrong. You were perfect, too perfect. You still are." He placed a delicate kiss upon my head, "I pushed you away to protect you, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life."

I shoved myself free of his arms, "What do you mean?"

He swallowed hard, causing his Adam's apple to bob. "I put in a request to change partners for the season, you will be paired with Sean and I will be with Becca now. Unfortunately, Mr. Lawson wouldn't let me trade seats."

The sadness I felt was suddenly masked by my rage, my hand connecting with the side of his face. "You aren't doing this for me, you're doing this for yourself," I spat as my grip tightened on my keys. I couldn't stand there any longer by entire body vibrated with adrenaline. I stormed off, making a beeline for my Jeep, there was no way I would stay and pretend I was okay. I wasn't, I was heartbroken. He never even called out for me, Becca tried but I already was tearing out of the lot by the time she reached me.

I didn't make it very far before pulling over, unable to see through my tears. My heart hurt more now than it ever had. I had gotten my hopes up that things could be different, but they weren't. He still wanted no part of me. I felt a panic attack setting in and climbed out of my jeep slamming the door behind me. I rested my hands on top of my head and began walking into the small forest that ran along the roadway. Taking deep breaths in and out trying to settle myself, trying to find peace.

All of the work I had put into healing came crashing down around me. The sobs tore through me at an alarming rate, as I stumbled towards the ground in defeat. I grabbed fists full of the earth below, trying to conjure the rage from within into something tangible. I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick and punch, I wanted to feel...numb.

I dragged myself up from the dirt and made my way to my vehicle. The ignition humming to life, I flipped the visor down and wipe away the tears before shifting into gear and heading for home. My parents would be at work so I would have the entire house to myself. I made my way inside and quickly found myself in front of the liquor cabinet. I tossed any doubt I had to the side and grabbed the largest bottle of whiskey I could find.

I headed to my room and pulled open my top drawer, fishing out my anti-depressants that had sat untouched for months. I quickly undid the cap and took the recommended dosage, washing it down with my current beverage of choice. I shuffled through the drawer some more until I found the journal that I had hidden so many years before.

I made my way to my bed, plugging my ear-pods in to listen to my go to album by Quinn XCII. I flipped through the pages of the journal for hours, downing my sorrows until I felt exactly as I wished, numb.