His Only Savior | #Wattys2019

Chapter 6

The following weeks were tremendously dull. Sean was still trying to patch things up, but I simply wasn't ready to. Isaac and I talked briefly in Econ, but only of it covered information relevant to class. He was certain to keep me at a distance, but we wouldn't be able to keep it up much longer. The Season Kick Off Rally was coming up, which meant so did our routine of every Friday night needing to link arms as if we were friends. I was on the fence about how I felt. On one hand I was hopeful that maybe he would change his mind and on the other upset knowing he most likely wouldn't.

I understood linking arms every Friday night to enter the game didn't mean much but it did to me. We had always been affectionate towards one another as kids holding hands, snuggling up for a movie or if it was cold outside. He always had his arms around me tight crushing our bodies against one another. Even as kids his touch had an entrancing effect on me, it was like a drug.

I still remember him teasing me the night of our graduation about him being my addiction, and when I agreed I think he believed I was kidding...but I wasn't. He was my addiction, and our mild reconnection proved he still was.

I woke up with enthusiasm at the idea of seeing him the day of the rally. I gave my hair and makeup extra attention but ensured that it still looked natural. When I glanced at the time, I realized I was running late so I pulled my clothing on as quick as possible before bounding down the stairs. "Bye mom," I shouted as I ran out the door.

When I pulled in my cheer mates and the football players were beginning to gather for line up. I searched for the matte black Harley, but it was nowhere to be found.

"Hey Em," Becca called out as she ran over to me. "I was starting to think you wouldn't show."

"Why would you think that?"

"It just isn't like you to be late," she laughed. "Are you talking to Sean again?"

"Occasionally," I frowned. "I just don't know what to say to him."

"Well you definitely can't tell him the truth. If he finds out your feelings for Isaac never went away—" She paused for dramatic effect, "it just wouldn't be good. He's already mad about him stealing the co-captain position from Charles if he knew he also has had your heart this whole time he would go berserk."

"I know, don't worry I'm not going to let him find out. The last thing Isaac needs is trouble from Sean."

"You think you can keep your distance from him, like emotionally?"

I sucked my bottom lip in before mumbling my response, "No. Not really. I just, I need to know if this is as hard for him as it is me."

"You have to, or you want to?" She laughed, "Besides would knowing even make it easier. Think about it, how would knowing he wants you to make it any easier for you guys?"

"I don't know." We both glanced in the direction of the pipes roaring through the parking lot. "I guess I'm about to find out."

"Wait, you're going to ask him now?" Her eyes widened as her jaw dropped.

"I have to know Bec," I gave her arm a light squeeze before walking towards the truth I desperately needed. "Hey," I smiled as he kicked the stand out and rested the weight of the machine against it.

"Hey," he replied questionably.

"Can we talk?"

"Don't we have to line up?"

"Not for another fifteen minutes." I half smiled, nervous he would find another reason to decline my request.

He waited an uncomfortable amount of time before finally nodding, "Sure, I think we need to anyways." He dismounted the bike before taking my hand in his and leading me away from the group of players gathering around us. He led us to a small quiet spot, hidden from prying eyes. "Em, I can't keep lying to you." He sounded rushed, nervous even.

"Keep lying to me about what?" I furrowed my brow.

"Why do you think we aren't friends anymore?"

"To be honest I really don't know," damnit I felt the tears already building. "We were so close and then you just threw me to the side like I never meant a thing to you." He stepped forward engulfing me in his arms pulling me firmly against his chest, "Did I do something wrong?" I finally choked out.

"Jesus no, Em you never did anything wrong. You were perfect, to perfect. You still are." He placed a delicate kiss upon my head. "I pushed you away to protect you, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life."

I shoved myself free of his arms, "What do you mean?"

He swallowed hard, causing his Adam's apple to bob. "I put in a request to change partners for the season. You will be paired with Sean and I will be with Becca now. Unfortunately, Mr. Lawson wouldn't let me trade seats in econ."

The sadness I felt was suddenly masked by my rage when my hand connected with the side of his face. "You aren't doing this for me, you're doing this for yourself!" I spat as my grip tightened on my keys. I couldn't stand there any longer my entire body was vibrating with adrenaline. I stormed off, making a beeline for my Jeep. There was no way I would stay and pretend I was okay. I wasn't, I was heartbroken. He never even called out for me. Becca tried to but I was already tearing out of the parking lot by the time she reached my jeep.

I didn't make it very far before pulling over, unable to see through my tears. My heart ached more than it ever had in that moment. I had gotten my hopes up that things could be different, but they weren't. He still wanted no part of me. I felt a panic attack setting in, so I climbed out of my jeep slamming the door behind me. Resting my hands-on top of my head I began walking into the small forest that ran along the roadway. Taking deep breaths in and out I tried to settle myself. I tried to find peace.

All of the work I had put into healing came crashing down around me. The sobs tore through me at an alarming rate as I stumbled towards the ground in defeat. I grabbed fists full of the earth below, trying to conjure the rage from within into something tangible. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kick and punch, but really, all I wanted was to feel numb.

I dragged myself up from the dirt and made my way back to my vehicle. When the ignition hummed to life, I flipped the visor down to wipe away the tears before shifting into gear to head home. My parents were at work so I had the entire house to myself. I made my way inside and quickly found myself in front of the liquor cabinet. I tossed any doubt I had to the side as I grabbed the largest bottle of whiskey I could find.

I headed to my room and pulled open my top drawer, fishing out my anti-depressants that had sat untouched for months. I quickly undid the cap and took the recommended dosage, washing it down with my beverage of choice. I shuffled through the drawer some more until I found the journal that I had hidden so many years before.

After collapsing on my bed, I plugged my headphones in to listen to my go to playlist when I felt like the world was crashing down. I flipped through the pages of the journal for hours, downing my sorrows until I felt exactly as I wished, numb.