"Oh wag ka na mahihiya dito sa bahay ha? Feel at home," nakangiting bati sakin ni Tita Lea. Cathy's mom. Nginitian ko naman sya pabalik at tumango.
I have to walk away for awhile. Away from toxicity of the world. Of our house. I'm not running away from home. I'm walking away from it. Slowly but surely. Hindi ako tatakbo dahil ayaw ko ng madapa. Masasaktan lang ako lalo. Masusugatan pa ako ng panibago. Magmamarka at hindi na mabubura.
I don't like my futute self hating my past self because I didn't do anything. Because I just stand and listen to everything. Didn't ask. Didn't response. Didn't say what is need to be said.
"Saglit lang ha. Si Mam Catherine po kasi ay tulog pa. Kung gusto mo iha, puntahan mo na lang sa kwarto niya," sambit sakin ni Manang, katulong nina Cathy, nang bumaba ito mula sa itaas. Nginitian ko naman siya at tumango. Pupuntahan ko na lang siya sa kwarto niya. Bruha na yon, for sure naman gising na 'yon tinatamad lang bumaba. I stop midway. Hindi naman niya siguro ako itataboy dahil galit siya diba?
I didn't knock dahil bahagyang nakaawang ang pinto ng kuwarto niya. Dumiretso lang ako ng pasok and not surprised that she's on the balcony of her room with her laptop.
"Cathy," mahinang tawag ko sa kanya. Walang emosyon siyang tumingin sakin.
"So anong ginagawa mo sa bahay ng ex ng Kuya mo?" huminga ako ng malalim bago kinakabahang sumagot sa kanya. Ngayon ko lang na-realize na ang kapal ng mukha kong pumunta dito.
"Well, I'm at my best friend's house." Tumitig siya ng matagal sakin at hindi na rin naman umimik. Umupo ako sa isang bakanteng upuan kahit hindi niya ako inaalok. Ayaw kong mangalay, no.
Dahil mukhang ayaw niya akong kausapin I just stared outside. And what I saw was beautiful. The trees after the gate. They're beautiful. It's not the ordinary trees in the Philippine forest. Iisipin mo na nasa ibang bansa ka if you saw the trees. I can hear her typing in her laptop, madiin, mabilis. That's all I can hear other than the peaceful wind of the nature.
"Sorry," mahina ang boses nasabi ko sa kanya.
"Nah, it's okay." Napabaling sa kanya ang tingin ko. She forced a smile but it didn't look good.
Because the smile didn't look so convincing, "Really, it's okay."
Ilang minuto ng katahimikan ang dumaan bago siya muling nagsalita.
"So, how's life?"
"Messy."
Her typing stopped. I turned my gaze to her and she's looking at me intently, tapos nginitian nya ako. Simple and small smile. Encouraging me to say and blurt out what's bothering me. Pero nginitian ko lang siya pabalik.
"Come on! Kung masyado ng mabigat sa dibdib, you can tell me," reklamo nya sakin.
Her face expression made me laugh but I remain silent.
"If it's love problem, mali ka ng linapitan. Kung kailangan mo ng motivating words, mali ka ng pinuntahan. You know me, all I can do was listen but not advise. "
I get her point. She's not the type to give advise kasi takot sya na baka mali ang masabi niya. Well, sino bang hindi takot? But what can I do? She's asking me and I feel like if I didn't talk she would kick me out of her cozy home. I've got nowhere else to go. She's my second home. I'm not sure if I want some advise or if listener is what I need, I just want a peaceful mind, a quiet place.
"I will not say this to you para magsabi ka sakin. But Krissy? It is fine to say things inside your head especially if it needs to be said. You are too quiet. Kasi takot ka rin na may masabi kang mali. Takot ka na maka offend ng iba. Takot ka na makasakit. Takot ka na iwan ka ng mahahalaga sayo dahil lang sa may nasabi kang mali. Kaya kahit kailangan mo na magsalita, you wouldn't, kasi nga sobra kang takot. Kahit nasasaktan ka na, kahit nahihirapan ka na, kahit hindi mo na kaya you would still stay silent. Your scary. Alam mo ba yon? Scary than me who is straightforward and talks bluntly. Kasi hindi namin alam kung anong iniisip mo. We don't know what's running around inside that shitty head of yours "
That made me laugh inside my head. The last time that I said what's inside my head, she got mad. Kaya paano akong hindi matatakot?
She runs outside her door after she speak. Then her words came to me. Little by little, it sinked. I had hard time breathing for a short while.
Is it wrong? That I'm silent? Na ayaw ko makasakit ng iba? I know how sharp words can be at iniiwasan ko na makasugat ng iba through that. I admit, nahihirapan ako, nasasaktan ako and yes, you wouldn't hear any complain from me. Mali pa din yon? Na ayaw ko lang makaabala sa iba? Lahat naman ng tao may kanya-kanyang problema, ipapasa ko pa ba sa iba ang problema ko gayong may problema rin sila?
Mali na naman ako? Ako na naman ang mali? Ano na bang ginawa kong tama?
My thoughts stopped when she came back.
"Sorry I had to drink."She sat to where she sit before, she holds her laptop again and begin to type. Gumagawa na naman siguro 'to ng article o kaya blog. And I'm quite thankful na hindi na siya nagtanong ulit. Well, hindi naman niya talaga ugaling mamilit but deep inside I know, gustong-gusto niyang malaman.
"Your brother called me again kanina noong bumaba ako."
"Ano sabi?"
"He just asked kung nandito ka and tell me na alagaan daw kita habang nandito ka. Seriously? Babysitter mo ba ako? He would always call and text me para lang itanong kung anong ginagawa mo. Like seriously?" I can't help but laugh. Maybe, Kuya was just messing with her or using me as an alibi para reply-an niya.
"He said he will pick you up soon."
I looked at Cathy intently. May alam kaya siya sa nangyayari? Did Kuya tell her anything about our family's past?
"Cathy," pagkuha ko sa atensyon niya. She stopped typing and look at me.
"Sa problema ni Kuya, the one na pinag-awayan natin, may alam ka ba?" matagal siyang tumitig sakin bago ngumiti at nagkibit-balikat.
"You will know if your brother wants you to know. It broke him, Kristina. Your brother was just afraid that it might break you too. Kaya 'yong problema na sana pareho niyong hinaharap, sinarili niya. He loves you that much. Trust him. Huwag kang magalit, kung hindi man niya sabihin cause every decision that he make was all for you. Ikaw lang ang palaging iniisip ng Kuya mo."
A lone tear fell from my eye.
BINABASA MO ANG
Until the Last Page
Teen Fiction"There is nothing worse than meeting the perfect person at the wrong time." Kristina Azalea Villazarde is always fascinated by the idea of love. She is a girl, like a book, open to anyone who likes to read her. And she sees love as something powerfu...
