Lost in time G.D E.D

Part 51

I discover quickly that Grayson's journal truely is more of a diary than Ethan's. I lean back on the newly cleaned seat and learn about the earliest incantation of grayson's I can find. 

'March 31st 1997

Ah yes this is me writing...just writing, nobody technically did anything, just I felt like throwing out my thoughts- this is a weird time, weird life, weird exsistance. As I sit here (partially drunk) I think a lot.

Think...think...that's all my life is, just shit loads of thinking...all the time...my mind never stops...music runs 24/7 (except for sleep) just songs I hear, not necessarily good or bad & thinking... about the asshole Jake arch in gym class, how he worries me, about driving, & my family, about friends & doing things with them, about girls I know (mainly Sammy & Brandi) how I know I can never have them' 

"Goddammit everyone liked my mom," I facepalm. Jake much have been a huge problem in school. He goes on to explain how shitty he believes his exsistance is and it breaks my heart seeing how hurt he is. 

"wonder how/when I got so fucked up with my mind, exsistance problem- when Grayson fucking Dolan.
got covered up by this entity containing Grayson body...as I see the people at school- some good, some bad- I see how different I am (aren't we all you'll say) yet I'm on such a greater scale of difference than anyone else (as faras I know, or guess) I see jocks having fun, friends, women, LIVEZ."

"Or rather shallow exsistances compaired to mine (maybe) like ignorance=bliss. They don't know beyond this world (how I do in my mind or in reality, or in my exsistance) yet we are lacking something that others possesses- I lack the human nature that Grayson owned, & they lack the overdeveloped mind/ imagination/ tool. I don't fit in. The thinking of suicide gjves me hope, that I'll be in my place wherever I go after this life... that I'll finally not be at war with myself, the world, the universe- my mind, body everywhere, everything at PEACE in me- my soul (exsistance)."

"And the rountine is still monogamous, go to school, be scared &nervous,somewhat hoping that people can accept me...that I can accept them...the NIN song Piggy is good for thought writing...The Lost Highway sounds lile a movie about me... I'm gonna write later,bye"

I look down sadly at the painful words my friend wrote two years ago. I turn the page to read the next entry. 

"April 15th 1997"

"Well well, back at it, yes (you say) whoever the fuck 'you' is, but yeah. My life is still fucked, in case you care... maybe...(not?) I have just lost fucking 45$ & before that I lost my zippo & knife (I did get those back)."

"Why the fuck is he being such an ASSHOLE??? (God I guess, whoever is the being which controls shit.) He's fucking me over big time & it pisses me off. Oooh god I HATE my life, I want to die really bad right now-"

"lets see what I have that's good: A nice family, a good house, food, a couple good friends & possessions. Whats bad- no girls (friends or girlfriends), no other friends except a few, nobody accepting me even though I want to be accepted, me doing badly & being intimidated in any & all sports, me looking weird & acting shy- BIG problem, me getting bad grades, having no ambition in life, that's the big shit. Anyway..."

I finish reading the full entry before setting his journal downfor a moment and wipe my eyes. The fact that he ended it with TTYL

is the only reason I'm not straight up sobbing for him. I pick it up and read a few more but then one strikes me odd. 

July 23rd 1997, The Brandi Situation

"It is not good for me right now (like it ever is)...but anyway... My best friend ever: the friend who shared, experimented, laughed, took chances with & appreciated me more than any friend ever did has been ordained... "passed on"...in my book. Ever since Brandi (who I wouldn't mind killing) has loved him...thats the only place he's been with her...if anyone had any idea how sad I am...I mean we were the TEAM."

"When him & I were first friends, well I finally found someone who was like me: who appreciates me & shared every common interest. Ever since 7th grade, I've felt lonely... came around, We did cigars, drinking, sabatoge to houses, EVERYTHING for the first time together & now that he's

"moved on" I feel so lonely without a friend. Oh well, maybe he'll come around...I hope.  That's all for this topic...maybe I'll never see this again...  My 1st Love???  OH my god...I am almost sure I am in love...with Hailey. Hehehe...such a strange name, like mine... Yet everything about her (almost) perfect face,her charm, her wit & cunnin, her NOT being popula, her friends (who I know)-some. I just hope she likes me as much as I LOVE her."

"I think of her every second of every day. I want to be with her. I imagine me & her doing things together, the sound of her laugh, I picture her face, I love her. If soulmates exsist, then I think I've found mind."

"I hope she likes Techno...  Hailey, I love you  -Grayson.

"Uh what the fuck?" I look up surprised. Ethan betrayed him once? And he used to like that Hailey girl from Psychology? He barely looks at het now. Maybe he moved on, that would explain why Ethan claims they both love me. 

I look at the book on my lap and take a deep breath, preparing to read more. I'm almost scared to see when I entered the picture