Lost in time G.D E.D

Part 52

By September he is already over Hailey, and he felt Ethan completely betrayed him still.

"Oooh god I want to die so bad... such a sad, desolate, lonely, unsalvageable I feel I am...not fair, NOT FAIR!!! I wanted happiness!! I never got it...Let's sum up my life..the most miserable exsistance in the history of time...My best friend has ditched me forever, but in bettering himself & having/ enjoying/ taking for granted his love'"

"The one who I thought was my true love,Hailey, is not. Such a shell of what I want the most... The meanist trick was played on me- a fake love...She in reality doesn't give a good fuck about me...doesn't even know me... I have no happiness, no ambitions, no friends, & no LOVE!!!"

"Phil can get Me that gun I hope, I want to use it on a poor SOUL."

"I know... his name is Gray, But Grayson is his name too. What else can I do/give...I stopped the pornography."

"I try not to pick on people. Obviously at least one power is against me. Hailey...funny how I've been thinking about her over the last few days...giving myself fake realities that she, others MIGHT have liked me"

In October he sounds even worse, what catches my eye is the mention of my father.

"I'll give the phoney shit up in a second. I want TRUE love...I just want something I can never have. True true. I hate everything, why can't I die...not fair. I want pure bliss...to be cuddling with Hailey, who I think I love deeper than ever..I was hollow, thought I was right. Another form of the Downward Spiral...deeper & deeper it goes, to cuddle with her-to be one with her,to love, just laying there. I need a girl."

"This is a weird entry... I should feel happy, but shit brought me down. I feel terrible The Lost Highway apparently repeats...itself."

"I won't drink now. Jake Arch, lucky bastard gets a perfect soulmate, who he can admit FUCKING SUICIDE to & I get rejected for being honest about fucking hate for jocks."

Jake was suicidal? And Sammy told Grayson? I wonder how close Sammy used to be to Grayson.

I never knew how close Gray was to that Hailey girl, I wonder what all I missed before now.
Here it is,

January 2nd, 1998.

"Beeerrr...Man I don't know what's up lately...never do in existence. All this shit with Zack & Devons friends... so weird & different from past...yet again, that's the way in existence. I wonder if I'll ever have a love...my love. Zack got his, I don't, won't ever get mine."

"Here's all the people I've loved, or at least liked (or thought I loved)- all the same meaning"

I see a long list, the only names I know are Brandi, Sammy, Tori, and Hailey. I wonder if it really is my Tori he liked or if it was a different one.

"Olivia is the newest...the purest (for now)...seems perfect for me...I seem perfect for her. I was delusional and thought she waved at me the last day of school. Oh well, my emotions are gone. So much past pain at once, my senses are numbed The beauty of being numbed. Laters"

He thought I was perfect...that we were perfect...after the first day we met? I wonder how many of the timelines he's thought that, if it was only this time or he's thought of me like this before.

Ethan says he knew Grayson loved me, I wonder if he knows how long its been. I move on to the next entry and find the longest one, but it seems...different, he doesn't seem as sad anymore, at first.

February 2nd,1998

"Well well...so much change (like exsistance.) I understand almost everything now... so close to my love- Oliva. The runes have shown it, she has shown it, I have felt it."