Assurgent Construction

Author's Note One

Hello all!

This poetry book is over my culture journey in the Philippines but I also include my mental health and how it is effected by the people around me or by itself. The Philippines is a very emotional country and I don't verbalize my mental issues because they can be misinterpreted. What I would appreciate is a support system but I also don't like asking people to spare their energy for me.

When I got to the Philippines last April I was on medication. My life on vacation was a very simple life and because of that I was able to stop taking my medication within a month. Then, school started. I placed myself in a new environment and began adjusting to the people around me. What I didn't realize is that this would strain me mentally.

October struck and I was high strung. It wasn't until my cousin had gone home for two weeks that I realized how bad my health was. He didn't know it but even though we didn't talk much, him being around me helped anchor me.

Once he left, I started to see signs that lead me to the doctors last year. I hadn't shared my mental health with my best friends. Outside of the language barrier, I wasn't ready to depend on them emotionally and I still don't do that though I should.

When I had the chance, I went to the school doctor. I was paranoid and anxious. The last time I had to go to a doctor because of an emergency the doctor scolded me and told me that I was a child. That memory replied in my head as a sat in the waiting room.

The school doctor was professional. He asked why I had come into his office and I had to fight my tears. I was shaking and he noticed. His eyebrow went up for a moment then he looked me over and repeated himself. He needed to know why I felt the need to approach him.

Sucking in a breath, I referred to a comment he had made last time I was in his office (for a general check-up due to physical education regulation). He had said 'whoa, you have a lot of issues medically.' When I referred to it, I added that I had a seizures up until I was four. The list of issues then had a reason to fall back on.

What I wanted to talk about was my mental health. I told him that I haven't had a good history of doctors when it comes to my mental health. I'm already shaken so if he was going to tell me that I'm doing this for attention, that I'm being a child, that (insert whatever reason), then I didn't need to hear it.

He was upset that I would assume the worst of him but he understood some doctors did not emotionally attach themselves to their patients or care about their patients. It took a few minutes for me to get it out but I told him everything. I am so thankful that I talked to him first before the guy he led me to because I don't know if I could have handle the other doctor if I hadn't talked to him beforehand.

The school doctor walked me though and helped me calm down. He told me that he hadn't prescribed the level of medicine to anyone in many years which is why he didn't bother to get his license in the past five years. He was proud of me for reaching out and told me where I would need to go in order to get the medication I needed. I would have to go to his colleague who worked at the city hospital.

The medication that I'm on now requires sleep. When I don't get enough, or I stay up passed the time that I should it will affect the following day and then a domino effect will occur. Right now, I am feeling that affect and it sucks. I've been staying up because of the amount of assignments I have. I'm ahead of the game so I don't have to get these assignments done at the time that I am but I do enjoy being able to relax.

It doesn't help that I'm the leader in every group project. I am seen as an icon, which is great. But, it is mentally draining and in this country you cannot regret a leadership position. It doesn't matter what you want, the community chose you, and, therefore, you now have an obligation.

Being in a community based society should pave a path of appreciation for me and my view of a community based environment but it hasn't. Being told that I have to do something when I was willing to do it originally only makes me lose motivation to do whatever I've been told to do. I've never been 'a part' of a group when it comes to group work, I'm always the leader, and because of that, I only despise group work more.

The way the people I've been exposed to (in the classroom) define group work is being told what to do by the leader. Once the leader tells them what to do, they may or may not want to do it and then they complain about what the leader presents. Last year, I chose to be open to ideas and suggestions but instead, I received blank stares and confused expressions. What? You want us to think? That's your job.

What I've learned as of late is that the people I'm having to deal with on a daily basis are energy sucking leaches. From my family to the children in the classroom. Even one of my teachers turned out to be one of those energy sucking leaches.

Don't get me wrong. I have learned a lot in this country and I can't wait to learn more. The only problem is that I drew the short stick when it came to my direct interactions with society. The people I deal with are not worth my energy but I can't escape them.

I plan to leave this country in June and I hope to come back in 2021. I hope this dice roll will be more lucky when it comes to my social interactions. Well, I am thankful that you read through all of this. I hope you enjoy the next set of poems that follow this Author's Note.

Thanks for reading!

DJ