Assurgent Construction

Futile

Across the sea I've crossed and now that I've landed I can't help but feel lost.

Next to me, a happiness that I will never find anywhere else. She is everything to me.

Ever since I've crossed the sea through the wondrous clouds that seep beneath the airship,

The world has suddenly altered, the taste almost bitter and not sweet.

One person makes this homecoming worth my time and I know that my life can recollect but what I can't understand is this toxicity that awaited my arrival.

There is more than one way to be civil and there is no need to be harsh. However, these remarks that I'm receiving cut close to the heart.

Instead of asking, "Have you eaten" I received, "I know that you can eat all of this, why haven't you?"

Which was followed by, "How can you be full, you're fat."

'Though this is comical to others, being told that your shape is not acceptable and you are expected to be out of shape is aggravating.

In My Foundation's eyes I've never been perfect and it wasn't an issue if anything it brought us closer together.

That woman helped me see the beauty in myself because I saw the beauty in her. All she ever wanted was to see me happy and being under my mother's expectations was not under that category.

Now, somehow, my mother still thinks that she has this grip on me, she feels that she has a say in my life.

There's this unnecessary amount of thought in her head that makes her think that what I want is what she wants and that is not true.

What she doesn't realize is that has never been true.

So many times have I told myself that I'm not bitter and yet, I keep facing this situation of unreal expectations that I keep failing to achieve.

Frustration boils within me and I want to scream that this isn't who I am, that this will never be who I am, but I know it's futile. She will never hear me.

It's frustrating. Being eight thousand miles away and being close to the one person you wanted to be close to.

Then, with an attempt to get closer, the relationship is shattered and the reality sits in.

Part of me wishes to go back, to pretend that I was happy, but I know that it's not the truth and this falsehood should not be.

The best I can do is move on from this, to move pass my awakening slap. It's the only way, I shouldn't linger here, so why do I keep finding myself thinking back?

-

Dear Mother

June 4, 2019