Assurgent Construction

Author's Note Four

Marked – Self-Harm

Closure – The One I've Always Wanted

Vaccination Or Virus – My Foundation

Imaginary Council – My Foundation

We Are – My Sun

Who Am I – Self Question

Unveiling The Mystery – The One I've Always Wanted

Lingering Possibilities – The One I've Always Wanted

Choosing Me – My Kryptonite

Assessing the 'Cure' – Self

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Totals

About the Self: 3

The One I've Always Wanted: 3

My Foundation/My Kryptonite: 2/1

My Sun: 1

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My Sun is the person I am in a relationship with today. So, why have I written about two other people more than her? I think about this a lot especially since April when I started my journal of poetry. I wanted to focus more on fixing my Wattpad instead of adding to the mess and I've achieved being able to slowly fix my Wattpad and the stories within. There's a different problem that occurs in my writing that I would like to take a moment to tackle.

Why do I not write about My Sun as much as anyone else in my life? She is essential to my life and yet I do not write about her. I suppose it has to do with being happy and content with her. When I'm happy and content I don't tend to write. There's not much to question when it comes to happiness. Why am I happy? Instead of asking that question, I thrive in the happiness and I don't think about why. Instead, I accept it as is and I appreciate it. Why question something when there's nothing else that needs to be touched up on it?

She makes me happy and I miss her dearly. She taught me how to communicate with my voice and not my writing. Although, I still communicate best with my writing I can now say that I am a better communicator because of her. Instead of documenting our life together, I live it. And I feel that the reason behind me not writing about her is because on the concept of living our life instead of recording it.

My Foundation: Of all the people that I've written about I know that My Foundation is the person I've written the most about. Negative and positive. The friendship I have with her now is one that I cherish dearly because at one point in my life (from 2010-2015) she was My Kryptonite. Only recently has she turned into My Foundation.

Everything that we've been through, I can't help but be proud of. We were toxic and destructive but we matured and we decided to move passed that and that's why I write about her so much. It's not that I love her more than My Sun. It's that, I appreciate what we've become and I'd never want us to go back to where we were.

The One I've Always Wanted: Seeing me write about her maybe bring up some questions. Especially since I also write about My Foundation. Why am I writing about these other women when I have My Sun? The One I've Always Wanted has always confused me. I don't understand how she feels about me and I need that closure.

In my unconsciousness, I venture into different realms with different possibilities. Even if they're not true, they occur and I see them. I have dreams where she's my best friend, my beneficial friend, my girlfriend, or we're married! We might even have broken up but we're toxic and we don't want to actually separate.

I am aware that these are dreams but they feel real and that's my issue. I wake up and I miss her. I don't even talk to her and I miss her. I miss this imaginary fiancé, this imagine, girlfriend, best friend, beneficial friend, whatever she is in those dreams. It drives me crazy because I love My Sun and I don't want anyone else yet here I am, cheating in my dreams.

Are they dreams or are they nightmares? The 'real' Naomi is someone who has always been genuine and nice and caring. She's never turned me down, or treated me any less a friend. It's hard to not like her in the way that I do because she doesn't give me a reason to dislike. If she was bitter, it would easy to forget about this imaginary version of her but she is beautiful on the inside and out and I can't seem to look away.

I don't know when I said this but I told the Universe that if she's meant to be in my life then I need to see her when I visit in December (last year). I had forgotten that I told Universe that. I think I said right before I left or right after I left so sometime in April of 2018. I figured, she's not meant to be something in my life so unless she is then, I don't want to see her.

Then! In Decemeber of 2018, I was out with My Sun and my niece at a restaurant and there she was, two tables over from us. I did everything and anything I could to look at My Sun and not her. When she was leaving I wanted to go after her but I couldn't help think... What was that supposed to mean?!

Sometime earlier that year, I told the Universe, if she's meant to be in my life than bring into my life in December. There's no way that it was coincidence. I didn't tell My Sun but I couldn't help but wonder. Was this the Universe's way of telling me 'she's meant to be in my life, but not yet'?

It's hard for me to understand Naomi's role in my life. Especially when I'm already in love with someone. Not only one person but two. I love My Foundation, platonically. I have other friends that I care about dearly but not the same as these three people.

What is Naomi's role in my life? I wish I knew. All I know is that she's meant to be in my life. The only way for me to figure this out is if I talk to her but I don't want to go out of my way to put my relationship with My Sun at risk. My Sun cares and trust me. All I have to do is tell her before I talk to Naomi, but I'm not planning on talking to Naomi unless it so happens to happen. Then, I'll message My Sun that the conversation will go underway.

When I think I forget about the mass of feelings I have for Naomi, my dreams remind me that they're there. It drives me insane. I'm already happy with the person I am currently with so why would I want to destroy that happiness?

Anyway, thank for you listening! The other poems were about the self and how I question who I am today, this past of mine, continues to resurface on my skin, and I can't help but wonder, is there a cure to my madness?

Thank you for listening,

DJ