Assurgent Construction

Author's Note Two

Hello all!

The last ten poems were siphoned from my Google Drive. Even though I was not on Wattpad from 2015-2017 that doesn't mean that I stopped writing! I actually have a blog with my poetry on it and I don't know I'll delete it later or reconstruct it. But, for now, most of my poetry is on Wattpad.

These poems were placed in this poetry book because they talked about my life and the experiences I was going through during that time. Looking back at the time frame I have to remember that the toxicity that I had with my first relationship was recently recovered. Today, we are not toxic to each other but it hasn't been long since we had a destructive attitude towards each other.

Both of us wanted each other to be happy. We wanted to figure something out between us. However, neither of us could understand what each other's role was in the other's life. We are young, after all. And I have my current relationship to thank. Had it not been for her, I wouldn't have fixed my friendship with my first love.

What we failed to realize was, it was okay to be in each other's lives. What I didn't understand is how she could be part of my life while not being in my life physically. Whereas, to her, she didn't understand how I was supposed to be in her life yet stay at the distance she was at. She doesn't trust me with her heart, and I accepted that.

Although, at the time, I didn't understand how that was possible. How could I be important to her and yet she doesn't want to be around me? Couldn't we be friends? We are now. But, at the time, I didn't understand where the line was. If we could be friends, we could be more? Couldn't we?

Reading over my old poetry has be realizing that I needed guidance but even if I was given guidance, did I take it? I received advice from my brother over the situation and usually I trust his judgement. I couldn't quite understand the situation because it had to deal with my heart.

After all, how can any of us think when our emotions overpower our thoughts? I knew the solution was to walk away but somehow, the universe kept bringing my first love back into my life and it frustrated me. What was the world trying to tell me? I remember the tears I shed trying to understand what was going on. What role did she have in my life if she wasn't meant to be a lover?

Being supportive for others was easy for me. What I didn't realize is that some people are meant to be the support in other people's lives. Even if, that's the only reason why they're in their life. Today, I can call my first love and talk to her casually.

Looking back at my old poetry, I still feel every time ticking second that I went through and I compare it to how I feel today. It took me finding a person who loves me for who I am. She taught me how to communicate verbally and through her, I have grown to a level that I couldn't have without her. Granted, someone else could have easily taken her place, but I wouldn't ask for another person.

This note is to myself, rather than to my readers. I can now call my first love, a close friend. She will be there for me, I can lean on her if I need to but she isn't my solution. She doesn't trust me with her heart and I don't blame her. I know that if she asked me to be in a relationship with her again I'd be confused and concerned. The first sentence that comes to my mind is: I thought we were passed this?

Rather, it is a question. Then, I'd have to step back and I'd try to help her steady herself. She's strong and I believe that she'd never ask for that kind of assistance from me. The reality is... We've only been 'okay' since 2017. But it wasn't until I felt the need to commit suicide in 2018 that I realized the limit of our friendship.

There was a night in October-November that I wanted to commit suicide and I had told her that I needed to talk to her. I needed her and she panicked. Someone had committed suicide in her past and she couldn't stop them. Because of that, when I told her that I felt the need to act upon my thoughts, she ran. She didn't know what to do and I know that in her panic, she is a flight kind of person.

Luckily, I had no energy to go to the roof and jump. She messaged me an hour later and asked if I was okay. It made me wonder, what would have happened if I didn't answer? What if I had jumped? Would she have blamed herself? We talked for a while and I eventually fell asleep.

The next day, I woke up and felt like I had jumped. I spiritually hit the pavement, five stories down. When I looked over my facebook to see if she had messaged me anything, I found out someone else had committed suicide. I couldn't believe it. My heart stopped for a moment as I felt as if I had jumped the night before. It should have been me. I said as I messaged her.

She wasn't angry. I remember that clearly. She wasn't disappointed either. When I said, "It should have been me." She replied with, "But it wasn't." and that hit me in a different way than I had expected. It was as if her role in my life suddenly unveiled itself. She wasn't my savior, she was my logic, she was the person who would reason with me when I didn't reason with myself.

She wouldn't stop me from jumping. She would look at me, at tell me, if that's what you really want, then I won't stop you. But in that sense, it would be a jest. As if she were saying, "I know you won't." It's as if we're playing this game with each other. We don't trust each other with each other's hearts but we know that we still have control over each other's heart to an extent.

When she needs someone to explain a view about something she doesn't understand, she turns to me and I do what I can to guide her but I never tell her what to do. Whereas, she's my logic and reasoning, I'm her emotions.

Thanks for listening,

DJ

This about My Foundation and how we used to be each other's Kryptonite. (5.17.19)