Teardrops

Chapter 33: Hakuna Matata

Chapter 33

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Lexi's Point of View
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There are some things you think you know, for sure, when you're young. The earth goes around the sun. Clouds are made of water. In the fall, the tree in the front yard turns colors from green to varying colors of orange, yellow, and red and drops all of its leaves like it wants to spread the fire from its own limbs to the rest of the world. The neighbor's dog barks every time a fire truck comes out of the fire station a few blocks away to answer a call.

Somebody, somewhere, loves you.

Or maybe it was just me. Steam rose up around me and I closed my eyes, trying to let the hot water soothe me before the steam got to me. My hand switched the stream to cool water and I stood there with my forehead pressed against the cool tiles until I felt safe enough to open my eyes again.

Every time I saw steam, or mist, I saw him. I rubbed my face and let the cool water try to cleanse me of my memories.

I knew I should get out there, make sure Shelly and Donny were alright. Both had already showered, I used the excuse that I didn't want to feel rushed with mine, so Shelly went first. She had come out glowing and yelling at Donny to get away from her Cheetos as if she actually knew that he had been munching on them ever since the bathroom door had closed behind her.

I wanted to be as floaty as she was. It was awful of me to wish I could switch places with a girl who had a time limit on her life. I was thinking awfully.

But at the same time, I couldn't seem to stop. Every time I saw how Donny smiled at Shelly, or vice versa, I felt the blood rush through me and carry me back. I didn't want to go back to that place all the time.

I saw his smile when he laughed - the smile that's accidental. When you're laughing you don't have to think about how you're smiling, you just do. That's my favorite type of smile, especially on him. He had the best carefree smile. It was as if a ray of sunshine had replaced his mouth.

I started laughing. I couldn't help it; I was being such an idiot- being jealous of a couple of teenagers. One if them in love with someone who's about to die, and the other dying, and confused about whom she is or who she can become. It's hard though, to know what you want, who you want to be. Even if you know you have time to actually become.

If I hadn't met Shelly, I would be taking this shower in my own home. I would still have Lyssa* with me. I might have been asked on a date by that intern from cardiology, and probably would have-

*(A/N: Lyssa was the 'ghost' friend of Lexi's)

My hands slid over my wrists, interrupting my thought process.

I probably would have been cutting still.

My eyes found my razor, lying innocently next to the shaving cream where I had left it. My fingers reached out to caress it, examining it again.

Something in me burned dimly with this obligation it felt to make a cut. But my heart twinges at what Shelly or Donny might think. I couldn't do that to them, make them feel as though they aren't good enough.

You don't need to cut to feel pain if you're feeling a kind of pain over the idea of doing that, because of someone else. I imagined it was Lyssa's voice guiding me through. The razor was dropped back next to the canister of cream as though it were not my hand moving it.

It's okay. You're alright. You can do this. My hands moved slowly to make sure the last of the dirt had been stripped away from my feet and from between my toes.