Teardrops

Chapter 39; Midnight Murmurings

Lexi;

As schoolchildren, we are always asked who we want to be when we grow up. We are taught to aim high and reach higher, improving until there is no more failure.

Or at least, that's the lesson I took away from it.

Growing up, I didn't know what to do with my life; but I merely existed, trying to be the best at everything in order to be reassured that I was good at something. I did my best to get good grades in school, protect my little brother, to not cry when my father hit me or when he came into my room in the darkness of the night to spill his poison into my blood and his hatred into my heart.

As a senior in high school, I freaked out- completely lost as I didn't know which way to go, what was my best choice. Eventually, I chose the school that offered me a free ride, far away from home. It wasn't a prestigious school, or a well-known school. But it became home to me. It was lovely there, being in a bed that didn't reek of my father and where he couldn't barge in. The sounds of drunken teenagers bellowing out the lyrics to various rap songs were heaven when compared to the soundtrack of fists hitting flesh and the screams and the terror-filled nights of my old life.

I followed my professor's advice, enlisting in a nursing program that signed me up for even more years of school. Which was totally fine by me- it wasn't school that scared me- so far, school was the only way I had lived my life. Sure, I had a job at the local grocery store, or the fast food restaurant across the street from the Sciences Hall, but the only thing I had known to center my life around was school.

This is what I thought about as I lay staring up at the ceiling, thinking over my life. I had ended up at the hospital after graduating my internship with my impressive letters of recommendation filled with inevitable phrases such as "Brilliant, but cold." "Studious and avid learner... except when it comes to comforting and actually nursing people." And "Healing them? Yes. Helping them? ..."

Then I had met Dr. Michaels, the only employer who asked me why. He didn't think to send me off before he knew all of the facts. Dr. Michaels still had hope for me. When he gave me the job, I was relieved. I was running out of options before I would have to possibly choose another career. While I never pictured myself as a nurse growing up, it had grown to hold a lot of appeal to me, as helping people was something that helped me to erase all of the bad things my father had taught me to believe about myself. Every life I saved, I got a little softer inside, because I was able to disprove one "You're worthless!" or one heavy blow to the face that left me to attend school for 3 weeks pretending I wasn't concussed. The patients were saving me as much as I saved them.

My life took another sharp turn when I met patient number 2, 483. Shelly Edwards. Affliction: Unknown.

I pondered my life, looking up at the dark ceiling while listening to the breathing of my latest savior. She turned over, facing me, so I wasn't surprised when she tentatively asked, "Lexi? Are you awake?"

"Yep."

Everything I had ever done led down to this moment, and yet, after everything I had done, I still didn't know how to answer what she asked me next.

"What do you think will happen when I die?"

"Honestly, Shelly?" I breathed heavily, trying to find words to explain the terror I felt at the very idea.

"Of course."

"I can't allow myself to think about that."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't lose you, little nut. I have to believe that heaven isn't going to call back my favorite angel just yet."

"I'm not an angel." Shelly protested.