Teardrops

Chapter 37: Confused Hearts

Chapter 37;
(Shelly POV still)

The lady didn't really know how to handle me. I'm sure she wasn't alone, in that regard. I didn't know how to handle me, either. It was likely impossible to know what to do with a dying kid who sassed the sass right out of you. It was probably lucky she hadn't popped me one in the mouth, or attacked my hair. Perhaps she was used to the brain cancer patients, who only saddened you as they cursed and bellowed, spit flying into your face because they couldn't control their bodies anymore. It made even me feel lucky- the cancer may be slowly killing my body, but at least it wasn't eating away at my identity. Some people say that books and movies about cancer glorify and romanticize it-

I disagree with those kinds of arguments. It all depends on how you look at it. Some people say that since The Fault In Our Stars' Hazel and Gus were still mostly functional, it romanticizes cancer, saying it isn't all that bad.

But it was just their strains. Every cancer is different. there are parallels and opposites and exceptions and trying to define cancer as anything other than a fast-growing parasite is impossible. Its like trying to say all blondes are beautiful or all redheads have freckles or that all tall people love basketball. You just can't do it. Or, perhaps, at least you shouldn't.

I didn't know how to handle what I had just said, either. I stood up again. "I'm going for a walk."

When I heard footsteps behind me, I thought it was Miss Vampire Smile chasing after me to reprimand me, but when I turned around, I saw that most of the group was following me. Peter was helping the girl with the lilac hair with her food cooler. I had to find out her name, I couldn't just keep calling her Lilac in my head... or maybe I could.

We kept on walking through the darkening woods until we reached a cliff.

"Wow," Lilac whispered beside me. All of us were facing an amazing view. The mountains were dark shadows framing the colorful sunset, the clouds glowed shades of orange and purple-pink.

"That one looks like a turtle!" The same little boy who had said that he was Olaf jumped up and down, pointing out a purple cloud that did, indeed, resemble a turtle.

"Duuuuuuuuuuude!" A kid nearby imitated the hippie turtles from Finding Nemo. I was lost more and more in my thoughts about Donny as the group settled themselves on the rocks.

The whole romance thing was confusing. I wasn't sure that I was actually feeling so much for Donny, or if I was in love with the idea of a relationship before my sickly body went past it's expiration date. I couldn't be sure that Id gotten past my feelings for Adam, he was such a big part of my life. Or he used to be a huge part of my life, and I spent the rest of my life remembering him and wanting him to want me. I was scared, too.

Adam is gone. I reminded myself, angry for holding onto him for so long. Donny is sweet, and kind, and goofy... And not flirting with me. I sighed angrily.

Life was simpler when nobody liked me and I was all alone. Sadder, for the most part, but simpler.

"Honey, I love you, would you please, please smile?" I couldn't remember whose idea the game had been, but it was totally a great idea. It was fun to be bonding with all of these kids when it wasn't so forced. So far, though, none of us had been very good at this game. Nobody seemed to be able to stop smiling. I was nervous about it being my turn. I wasn't sure if I would be able to say the words "I love you" out loud, even in a setting like this. It put me on edge.

Love is hard, for me. I feel too many things on too many levels and sometimes I long for the bliss of sweet ignorance.

That would drive me absolutely bonkers, though.