My Voice Through Poetry

The Girl I Pretend To Be 👊

As I'm writing this,
I'm crying
I know.
That's not The Girl you know
That's not The Girl you think you know
The only girl you know
Is the happy one
The smiling one
The joking one
The Girl I pretend to be
The only one you've ever been showed
Not your fault
It's the only one I've ever showed you
Sorry to disappoint,
But this is another side of me
The depressed one
The emo one
The stop-acting-like-this-you're-making-a-scene one
The just-be-happy one
The realer side.
So, yeah.
Welcome.
Now that we've been introduced,
Let's jump right in

Picture this:
Me
A wreck
Which is
Basically
The usual.
Oh
Sorry, forgot you were new here-
The real usual
(You know,
The one that's different from

Your idea of my usual).
Anyway
I'm crying.
This time's different
I promised myself I wouldn't cry again
Not over him
Not over that...
Thing
You call a father
I can't cry
I'll ruin the show
I'll reveal to everyone
I'm not The Girl I pretend to be

But here I am
Crying
Desperately trying to be silent
Be silent
Be silent
No one can know
I'm crying
"You're crying?
You sound like a fat cow."
No one can know
I picture blood gushing out of my mouth
Because of how hard I bite my lips together
(Together
Together
Keep it together)
No one can know
I'm not The Girl I pretend to be

I'm strong.
BE strong.
It'll all be okay
I have to tell myself
While I taste bitter salt
And silence my cries
Silence.
Silence.
I'm fine
I'm fine!
Who's not fine?
Not me!
I'm The Girl I pretend to be!

You're not real.
You're not okay.
You're not strong.
You're not gonna get through this.
I'm not The Girl I pretend to be.

But I have to be
I have to pretend
But I'm not
I'm not The Girl I pretend to be.
I don't smile with happiness
I do it to make the mask more believable
You see me smile
But it's not like I used to
Like I used to for real
Where I didn't have to be
The Girl I pretend to be

Don't try to tell me different
"Just be yourself!"
"We LOVE you!"

Me?
Who is that to you?
You can't love someone
You don't really know
You can't love a fake smile
a fake laugh
a fake happiness
a fake everything
a fake
No one really
Actually
Loves me
For me
Because you don't know what that is
Sure the words come out of your mouth
But they're sucked away in a vacuum of space
That means nothing
You're saying
"I love you"
To The Girl I pretend to be
Not to me

And I lie.
I miss the realness
I miss being tucked into bed at night
In a home that wasn't always filled with
Fear and Violence and Hurt
And being kissed on the forehead
"I love you.
Goodnight my sweet girl."
Before everything was complicated
Before everything was a blur
Before everything floated past me
In wave
Leaving me behind

I lie.
I pretend I've moved on
I don't need you
I'm not hurt
I'm healed
I'm okay now
I don't need help
I don't think about self harm
I don't feel like my mouth has been sewed shut
I don't feel like I'm dying
I pretend I'm not dying
I pretend

The Girl I pretend to be
I can pretend
And I can fool others
But no matter how hard I try
I can't fool myself