I want to control my dreams.
I want to control my dreams.
"Did you sleep well?"
Mia's voice catches my attention. I suddenly find myself looking at her in a kind of way how people feel after a farewell.
"I guess so," I mumble, feeling my stomach hurt.
"That's good, you know.. sorry for last night."
"It is okay, no need to be sorry."
She looks down, playing with her fingers. I sigh deeply. The air is beautiful and our view is breathtaking.
Camping is not a bad idea, except the fact that I cannot use my phone in any way.
But maybe it will clear my mind —since it's like there's war inside.
"Where's Aiko and Lèo?" I ask her simply, looking up to the sky.
"Well they're still sleeping I guess."
"What time is it though?"
"Early."
She replies me quietly. I hold my breathe as she suddenly touches my hand.
"I want to help you with whatever you are going trough."
I look at her speechless.
How can anybody help me?
Can she bring him back? Or my hopes?
Or can she make me feel warm like I used to feel?
"I want to control my dreams."
I say without any warning.
My words seems to shock her.
It is normal. How was she supposed to react? Of course it is weird and shocking.
But it is what it is. I want to control my dreams and drag myself through the night.
"What.. do you mean?"
"I mean like.. you know, live in a dream like it is real."
She stares at me in confusion yet kind of smiley.
"Wow, wouldn't that be scary?"
I giggle, feeling like a stupid kid for wanting to live in a dream.
I don't even know what kind of dream I would want to be in.
"Why would it be scary?" I ask her, "I can do whatever I want and whenever I want. No sadness, no worries. Only me and the power of my mind."
She smiles as we both stare at each other.
"Are you really alright, Ethan?"
I look down, staring at my feet, sadly.
I am not.
I am not alright.
So many questions cuts my thoughts with the sharpness of the reality.
I tried to hide it from myself, from everyone.
But when it hits me, it brings me down and touches my soul with pure anxiety.
I am missing him.
I am craving for him.
Not in any normal way but in a dangerous way.
That's why I need to see him.
I need to see him.
And only way I can see him is my dreams. My imagination and my eternal love.
My fantasies are taking over me.
It is taking control.
