5:05 a.m
Gasping for air..
Looking around in tears..
Emptiness of the room..
Unbearable pain..
I am silently suffering in my bed and helplessly trying to calm down as my heart loses its control.
My chest is getting tighter and tighter every time I replay the scene in my mind.
Repeat, repeat, repeat..
Again and again.
It felt so real, more than any other dream of mine. I even think about if I should slap myself or not. I don't even feel like I am awake. My skin is still burning from the hotness of the sun, and my sensations are so clear that I can feel him even now.
He was smiling. He was smiling like he was alive and was really happy to see me.
He reached my hands, we got only a few inches between us.
But.. I woke up.
I desparetly reach for my phone, my eyes are hurt.
My hands are trembling, I don't know what to say to her this time.
Ring..
Ring..
Ring..
Ring...
"Ethan?"
Thank you.
"Mo-Mom.."
"Ethan? Are you crying?"
I gulp.
My mouth is dry.
"..Sorry.."
06:33am
She puts the tea on the table that stands near my bed. I slightly shake my head to thank her.
She stares at me in an expression that I can't really understand, all I can understand is; the sun is coming up and my breathing is not easy.. Still..
She rubs my arm, forcing a smile. I almost think she is gonna cry too. This is not the first time she is driving my home to comfort me and my body.
"Why don't you leave here and come back to our house?" She asks me, with a soft tone, calming my trembling body, and my crazy thoughts.
"I just can't.." I simply answer.
"This house is filled with memories that makes you suffer, Ethan. Why are you torturing yourself?"
I stare at the walls once again.
Still feels like they are screaming his voice.
His laughing, crying, deep voice.
They are all a piece of memory for a really long time.
"I saw him again." I tell her, with all my emotions. I don't need to hide anything from her. I know she feels the same as me. I know she is not faking anything and ready to comfort me in any time.
"Like you always do." She says, sighing with a soft smile.
"This one felt so real that I can't even tell if it was really a dream, mom. I don't think dreams are supposed to make me feel like this."
She nods, staring at my bed, and the other bed that belongs to him.
"I see him too," she says. "Every night, even though month passed since that day. It feels real to me too."
Her words makes my heart ache once again. I am glad I am not the only one thinking that way. But it also makes me sad that we have to deal with this pain every day.
"I miss him, mom."
I finally let myself cry.
"I miss him so much that I do not even want to wake up and stare at his bed."
My mother's tender touch on my cheeks, hurts me even more.
"I want to see him and talk to him. I did not have a chance to say goodbye. He did not even leave us a note. Not a single explanation."
She kisses my forehead, holding my hand tightly.
"You should go back to taking pills," she tells me.
"You shouldn't have stopped taking them darling."
I look at her, my mouth is still dry.
"I am not crazy."
"Of course you are not."
"Crazy people take those things."
She leans back.
"They just help you calm down and not think too much. It is okay, love."
I look down.
Desperate me.
I can't stop thinking of him without taking pills.
Desperate me.
Desperate me.
I touch my chest.
It felt real.
It felt so real this time.
