It is like I just casually wake up like nothing happened. I am not trembling like I normally do when I see him in my dreams. No trembling, no pain, no crying.
Just numbness and curiosity are controlling my mind.
Everything feels weird, like I am a time traveler.
I sigh, trying to adjust my room.
My eyes catch a picture of me and Grayson.
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As I keep staring at it, everything gets more confusing.
I remember mom taking the picture. It is kind of a photo which makes me remember how it feels like to be happy and being fully completed in some ways.
I look at Grayson, he looks happy. Not a single sadness.
I push my brain to remember anything sad about him.
I try, try, try..
Please don't ask me why, Just kiss me this time
I shiver as the memory comes to my mind again.
What did he mean, Did I make the right thing by not kissing him on that day?
I yawn, rubbing my eyes and of course, staring at his empty bed.
***
8:08 pm
"So you are telling me it worked?" Mia asks me through the phone.
I take another bite from my pizza. I turn off the television to hear her clearly.
"Yeah. I had a chance to do something that I didn't do on time."
"And? Why are you not excited about it?"
I sigh.
Really..
Why I am not happy?
Or excited?
"I don't know.. something is wrong about it." I say.
I clearly remember his tanned skin, his thin clothing and the way he drank a bottle of Sprite like everything is normal.
Like we were on a summer holiday.
"Who did you want to see?"
She asks me.
I can hear the slow, romantic music coming from Mia's room.
"I can't tell you."
I say to her. Of course it is a secret. It has to stay as a secret.
"What is that song?" I ask her, trying to change the topic.
She giggles.
"Careless Whisper."
I laugh.
"What the fuck? Why?"
"I don't know, it reminds me of beautiful beach and romantic summer dates."
I stop chewing my meal.
The slice of pizza falls from my hand.
Summer.
Beach.
Summer holiday.
The scenery of the beach that I saw in my dream last night comes to my mind and something lights up in my head.
"Mia"
"Yeah?"
"Did Grayson go somewhere without us? For a holiday?"
I ask her, my heart beats fast and I feel like there is something important missing in my head.
"Hmm.. Let me think."
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
"When you guys turned 18, you had a serious fight and went on a summer holiday seperately as I remember."
I quickly stand up from my chair in fear.
"Do.. Do you remember where he went to?"
Goosebumps.
"Uh.. It is been 4 years," she says, sighing. "Abu Dhabi, I guess."
My mind stops thinking, my body feels weak all of a sudden and I find myself in a weird situation.
Complicated.
Scary.
"Why are you asking? You normally never talk about him and when we tell his name by accident you either tell us to shut up or punch Leo."
"I gotta go"
"What-.."
I hang up the phone, not letting her finish her sentence.
I listen to the wind through the window to relax myself.
I don't know my next step.
But at the end of the day, when I drift into sleep.
