It burns
It really burns..
Birds singing, waves, hot sand, burning sun..
Deja Vu..
"I think you are handsome."
I open my eyes easier this time. Sun hits my eyes and I feel soaked.
The familiar voice of him wakes me up.
I wake up in a dream.
I look around.
His hair is wet, and he is chewing a gum again.
"What?" I ask, hesitating to straighten myself up.
"I think you are handsome" he tells me again, leaving me in confusion.
"We are twins." I reply him, salty water drips from my hair.
He laughs at me.
I try to put pieces in together again.
And it is not hard for me to remember now. I realize we continue from where we left off.
I feel safe and peaceful as long as I go back to him.
I remember the empty room that waits for me to wake up once again. And it makes me suffer, and I miss him again even though he is right next to me.
"Why you go to sleep all of a sudden?"
He asks me.
I don't look at him and watch the waves because I have no answer.
I hear popping sound and gulping.
Deja Vu.
"Do you want some Sprite?"
"No thanks"
He shrugs and spits his gum again. I smile.
"Hey Ethan," he says.
"Yeah?"
"Do you remember.." He looks down, "..when I asked you something you didn't like?"
I frown my eyebrows since nothing comes to my mind. I don't have any specific answer to anything he asks me. I am in total confusion every time I come back to this place. My mind is literally empty I don't even remember things probably I should, in real life.
There is always a big missing part in my head and in my memories.
"Uh.. I am not sure.." I answer.
He looks away.
"Don't you remember?"
"Can't you enlighten me?"
I watch his rope mark again and hold my tears.
"That's why we had a serious fight.."
What?
How can I forget this?
"Grayson?"
Look at me please.
Sad.
"I said I am sorry but you punched me."
His words pierced me. It hurts me to not remember anything.
How.. How could I do this?
Why?
When?
Why can't I remember anything?
"Listen, I don't want anything bad going on between us. Please let me know if you are still mad at me. But I swear it was just.. I don't know.. It was an accident."
He apologizes all over again, again and again.
I stare at him, trying to remember even a single thing.
That must be the reason why we went to holidays seperately in real life four years ago.
I laugh at the irony, considering we are in holiday together now, in my dream..
He is cute.
I don't remember.
But even if I would, I would forgive him.
"It is okay" I say.
He looks at me with those alive eyes. I can't believe he is dead while he is staring at me with those starry eyes. Not a single evidence of depression, sadness..
Why did you kill yourself Grayson?
Just why..
"You forgive me?" He asks me, smiling brightly.
"Yeah, it is okay."
"Nice.." he lays down again. "I feel like young again."
I have no idea what is he saying, what does he mean..
"Do you like being alive?" I ask him, maybe he will tell me this time. It is only him and I.
"What do you mean?"
He starts to play with the sand as our bodies start to get dry.
"You know, do you love being young, alive and being with everyone you love?"
I catch a broken smile, and it makes me want to cry like I do everyday in real life. I try so hard not to pull him into a tight hug and tell him that nothing is alright and that I miss him to death.
I am pushing my patience limits once again.
"I don't know.." he sighs. "I just.. thought things could be more easier as an adult."
Adult?
"I mean we are 18 right? Does it count as an adult?" He asks me, giggling.
18.
We are 18 in here.
He died in age 21.
And I am 22 in real life.
Don't cry Ethan. Don't cry.
Wait, he is not dead yet. Why does he have a rope mark on his neck then?
"Why do you think things are complicated?"
I hate myself for not remembering a single thing.
I wonder.
I wonder.
I wonder..
"Ethan are you serious?"
He shocks me with this.
"What?"
"You know exactly why things are complicated for me.."
Waves stopped for a minute. Birds stopped singing, wind stopped touching us.
I am going to wake up soon.
"Grayson.. I just want to hear a clear answer from you."
I say, trying to act normal.
Sun is not burning me anymore.
Please tell me Grayson.
Tell me.
"Ugh.." He stands up, making me stare at his huge body again.
I gulp.
"Because I love you."
He tells me, shattering my heart into pieces and crazy things comes to my mind.
"I 'love' love you, and you did not accept it."
