A Descent into Darkness

Cautious Optimism

"I had a red dream last night," I tell Dr. James once I've taken my seat in his office.

"Oh?" Dr. James replies in his trademark friendly, not giving anything away demeanour. "You haven't had one of those in a few weeks."

"No, I hadn't," I reply, trembling. "And honestly, it was one of the more disturbing ones I've had."

"Yikes." That got his attention. "What was it about?"

I tell him about Rosa, how she's someone I love like family. I tell him how, despite that, I took sadistic pleasure in the entire act before jolting awake.

"I see," Dr. James muses when I finish, leaning back thoughtfully. "What about now? In this very moment? Do you feel like you've regressed in any way?"

I shake my head. "No, I've been feeling better since I got up. Just, that the dream really spooked me. I couldn't even wave back to her when I saw her this morning. And I... I snapped at Liza when she noticed something was up with me."

"How badly?" Dr. James asks, still remarkably calm. "Did you scare her?"

"At first, I think, but I explained I was just under a little pressure with school and that seemed to calm her down. Though I could tell she was still a little uneasy. I felt terrible about it all morning. Like, I swear she thought I was going to strike her."

"Wouldn't you be uneasy if a relative snapped at you out of nowhere?" Dr. James observes. "Though overall, I'm not too concerned about this."

"I really wish I had your confidence," I admit. "Seriously though, isn't this a sign my mind is just as twisted as it was before?"

Dr. James laughs. "Tell me, Nate, how much do you know about the human mind?"

"Um," I pause as I try to find an answer. Jesus, what is it with Dr. James always asking questions I can't figure out?"

"It's what we think with?" I reply pathetically, probably sounding more like an elementary school student than a university student with a 3.41 GPA.

"And that's what I'm talking about," Dr. James says and motions toward his bookshelf. "The human mind is one of the most beautiful mysteries in the universe, in my opinion. Even more so than the brain or the heart. At least those can be studied on the physical plain. But the mind is on another dimension altogether."

I supress a smile. While I've never heard this particular speech before, I'm well aware of Dr. James' disdain for other doctors pretending they understand human mentality. I got the first rant about how ignorant it is to categorize people when asking if I should consider myself a sociopath.

"So as to whether or not this dream is a warning sign that your homicidal urges are making a comeback, I strongly caution against reading too much into it," Dr. James advises. "If you were still thinking of murdering this Rosa person right now, then yes, I would have some concerns. But an unconscious dream, I think you're fine. As for your outburst with your sister, you say you think she was afraid you would strike her. Would you have struck her? If she hadn't let it go?"

"Of course not!" I protest. "I wasn't angry at her, I was panicking. The mere sight of Rosa was making me think back to..."

I freeze, realizing I was about to refer to that night four months ago.

"Made you think back to?" There seems to be a trace of suspicion in my doctor's voice. Though maybe I'm imagining it.

"Just back to when I first came to see you," I reply, thinking fast. "I was terrified how you would judge me. And when I saw Rosa, I was thinking what she and my family would think of me if they knew the truth."