A Descent into Darkness

13 Reasons

I stand nervously outside Rachel's front door, wondering whether or not to knock. A part of me would really much rather turn around and go home, but I need to do this. If this is going to work out, there can't be secrets between us, at least not to the degree which there are now. No, I have no plans of telling her about Mrs. Ross. I'm not that naive or stupid.

I reach up and tap on the door. About twenty seconds later, it opens and there she is, in a workout t top and shorts. Rachel smiles when she sees me. "Have you come for a belated coffee after our first date?" she asks.

I smile at the word, coffee, due to the memories it brings up. A long time ago, when I was in grade 8, I got Grand Theft Auto 4 for my birthday. In that game, at the end of your character's dates, he can ask the girl if he can come up for a nice hot coffee. At the time, I always wondered why, if she said yes, the screen cut to a shot of the outside of her apartment with the controller vibrating.

I sigh. "As great as that sounds, I actually came because there's something I need to tell you. Something which you need to know if we're going further."

Her eyes reflect curiosity. "Are you gay?"

"What? No."

"Alright then, come in."

As I step in, I say, "I'm sorry, what would you have done if I were gay?"

She shrugs. "Probably just have slammed the door. Not that I have a problem with actual gay people, but I don't believe for one second that you are. Bi, maybe. Not gay though. Your sister's been out of the closet for years. There's no doubt your parents or friends would accept you. You would have come out before now as well. I would have slammed the door because it would just be an excuse so you wouldn't have to fess up to what's actually bothering you."

"Has that happened to you before?" I ask.

"Nah, just my friends. Here, let's talk on the couch." We head into the living room, just to the right of the main hallway and take a seat in front of a massive TV, paused on an episode of 13 Reasons Why. I've never understood why she killed herself and not those who wronged her.

"So," Rachel says, taking a seat next to me, "I expect this will be entertaining. Not many guys would willingly risk their relationship with this," she motions up and down her own body.

"I'm not many guys," I reply.

"True. And I like that about you."

"You may not when you hear what I'm about to say."

Rachel shrugs. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I know they say relationships are best built on honesty, but sometimes I wonder if things in the past are best left hidden."

I raise an eyebrow, wondering if Rachel's hiding something from her past, then decide not to press it. Whatever it is, if there even is something, it can't be worse than what I've done and will not be telling her, a la the attack on Mrs. Ross. One thing I am most certainly not, is a hypocrite.

"I agree that it may be better for things which are the past, and no longer of any consequence, may be better left in the past," I agree. "That said, what I have to say may directly impact you right now."

Rachel looks intrigued. "Go on."

I sigh. How do I say this without sounding like a murderous asshole?

"Well, I have some... urges, which aren't the healthiest in the world.

"Ooooooh," Rachel's tone tells me she is getting a completely wrong idea from what I'm trying to tell her. "Are you about to tell me you're a young Christian Grey?"