A Descent into Darkness

Good Friends

I'm sitting in my desk chair with Veronica and Syed gagged, tied up and taped to my bed, where the gravity of everything that has happened in the last few hours is dawning on me.

My life is over. The reality is dawning on me. There's no two ways about it. Veronica is too smart to not make the connection between the bloody clothes and the incident Detective Murdoch was telling her about this morning. The only reason Syed may not have realized yet is simply I'm not sure if any cop, or Veronica, mentioned the killing last night to him. But he's definitely more than aware that something fishy is happening, beyond the whole kidnapping thing.

But it's just a fact. My life is over. I can never go back to the way things were. And I don't know what to do. About twenty minutes ago, I had considered calling Dr. James. But that doesn't seem necessary. I know what he'll say.

That I haven't crossed the line yet. That the incident last night was self-defence. That if I stop now and turn myself in, I can still salvage this. And that may have been true when I did the deed. It may have been true this morning. Hell, it may even still be true. I'm looking at a few more years in prison, but if I stop now before I go too far, and end this on my own, I may still have some kind of future, even if I have two less friends.

But the truth is, I just can't stop now. I know that sounds stupid. Of course, I technically could. But like an alcoholic, or a smoker, or just someone eating a bag of potato chips, I can't. I need to kill someone now. I have tasted it, and now I cannot go without it. My rage at Rachel, combined with my bloodlust, combined with my love for Liza, mean I cannot go back now. Not now, after I've seen the other side.

I look ruefully at my two friends tied up on the bed. What do they think of me now? What will my family think of me? I know the cost will be great. I'm telling myself I can handle it, but that could just be the spin machine in my mind, just so I have the guts to do what I have to do.

What will I do after? Allow myself to be arrested? I don't relish the thought of a trial followed by life in prison. I could run. But where? One option is I could flee South, into the US. But would that really do much good? Say what you will about US law enforcement, they're far from incompetent at catching fugitives. I suppose I could somehow try to get all the way through the country and to the Mexican border, but that seems unlikely. Topping off all of this is the fact that the pandemic would make crossing the border legitimately all but impossible, so I'd have to find a way to sneak across.

I grin at the rarity of being a Canadian thinking about how to sneak into the US. We usually joke it's the Americans who want to sneak into Canada.

The other option is to go North and embrace a life in the wilderness. Find some cabin, live off the land, grow the beard, be the typical hermit.

I sigh, as for all I may think about it, I know it's not feasible for me to try and run, be it North or South. First, what about money? It's not like I have a shit ton of cash lying around. I do have several thousand to my name in a back account set up by my parents, but withdrawing all of it would probably set off alarm bells with some authority or regulator.

Even if that weren't a problem, I have no wilderness survival skills to speak of. I don't even know how to start a fire, let alone kill and cook some animal like a deer or moose.

That leaves the third option. Suicide. Once I've killed Rachel, and released Veronica and Syed, just end it right there, before they can send the cops my way. I admit I find the idea attractive. I don't believe in God, so I'm pretty sure I'd be safe from Hell. Just eternal nothingness, or as I see it, peace. No trial, no having to face my family in shame, no getting raped for decades in prison before dying alone. Just ending it after finally living as my true self.