A Descent into Darkness

Late Night Thoughts

My hotel room is pitch black. Eve dozes lightly next to me in the bed. We're both stark naked. My wig is still on, though. I wasn't ready to let her see my real hair or eyes yet. I wonder if she noticed I'm wearing contacts that change the colour. That's one reason I'm lying there, awake the covers pulled up just below my breasts, staring at the ceiling. The other is that I'm reflecting on everything that's happened in the last three hours.

I not only fucked a girl, just for the sake of it, but that girl is a cop. And I loved it. I loved every second of it. And unlike the man I fucked, it lasted more than 45. Sure, I was envisioning myself killing her the whole time, it never reached a point where I actually wanted to do it for real.

As far as the practicality of it, I found it remarkable just how similar scissoring was to the way I pleasure myself with my victims, rubbing my pussy right against their genital areas. The result though, while still containing an orgasm, was radically different somehow.

The best way I can describe the difference between what I felt tonight and when I'm killing someone would be physical versus mental. When I kill someone, the satisfaction is far more than a simple squirt. It's like a weight that's been hanging around my neck has been removed. I feel free. I feel powerful, almost godlike. And that thrill carries me to highs that coke addicts could only dream of.

But tonight... Oh my God. The moment my skin touched Eve's, I never wanted to stop feeling her. Even before her legs grabbed my pussy, just the feel of her smooth, perfectly moisturized hands on my arms, the contact, the warmth of her breath... It's a feeling I'll never forget. That I don't want to forget.

What's confusing me though is why I'm feeling this way about Eve when I never have with anyone else. I've seen many naked people, men and women, many of whom I met in a bar or nightclub, and many of whom were just as attractive as Eve, if not more. Never did I even feel remotely interested in doing anything but kill them.

I suppose part of that could be chalked up to the fact that I had never fucked before Mark, and my experience there left me wanting more. But that doesn't explain why I don't want to kill Eve, even after we've fucked. And to be clear, when I say that, it does not simply mean that since she's a police officer, I don't want to kill her because of the heat it would bring. Being a cop has never reduced my desire to kill a person before, I just can't do it for practical reasons. And yet, even if Eve weren't a cop, I don't think I could hurt her. And the fact that she is a cop is doing nothing to make me want to get the hell away from her.

Even Nate, I've wanted to kill. The guy is just so much work. And I'm starting to wonder if there's even any point to it all. Given what I've been learning about myself, do I even want to be with a guy who probably can't get hard to an actual woman?

I remember the first time I encountered Nate online. It was a chatroom on an obscure website called Talkitout.com. It was originally meant to be place where people considering doing horrible things could go to be talked out of it. The creator of the site however, meant suicide, or self-harm by horrible things. He probably didn't foresee the site becoming a haven or incels, sexual predators, wannabe school shooters, or people like me.

Which is not to say the creator's idea was a complete misfire. Rather astonishingly, despite the literal cesspool for boiling tensions that sites like Twitter, or Reddit are these days, many of the people on Talkitout are there because they genuinely don't want to do anything bad, and are talked out of doing whatever they're planning. I of course don't go to be talked out, I go to talk people in. Not on every issue mind you. I despise incels, rapists, and as I said, am not particularly comfortable with mass slaughter.

I target the psychopath forums. People who want to commit small, isolated acts of violence, just for the sake of it. But, over the many years on the site, only one person on the site ever really proved memorable for me.