A Descent into Darkness

Naloxone

I wake up a long time before I get out of bed. I just feel so peaceful. You know when you wake up without the alarm clock, but it just feels too good to get out of bed? That's what this morning feels like.

I don't want to move. I don't want to have to face the reality of the world again. I just want to enjoy the memory of what I did last night. That moment I stabbed him for the first time. The blood spattering. Slitting his throat. The act that really made me a murderer. The fear in his eyes. All this time, I thought I would be consumed by guilt if I actually killed someone. But I don't. I'm proud of what I've done. A switch has been flicked inside of me. I've crossed the line and I can never go back.

If I were ever to tell Dr. James the truth about how I'm feeling right now about and he didn't freak out, he would probably ask me if I didn't feel guilty because the guy was on the verge of killing me. However the attack may have ended, there is no question my initial actions were justified on the grounds of self defence. But the truth is, I actually wish I had just gone ahead and killed him before he had a chance to threaten my life.

The fact that my initial actions were justified dampens the evilness of the act. It has the potential to make people say I'm not a true murderer. And I want to be. I want to do what I nearly did to Mrs. Ross all those months ago. But this time I won't worry about finding someone not so innocent. I just want to have that power and take their life for them.

Maybe I'll go after Mrs. Ross again. Oh, that would feel so good, to finish what I started. But it's probably not practical. She's probably upped her security. And for all I know the police may be keeping an eye on her too. For my next time, I should go for someone with no connection to me.

My relaxed train of thought is interrupted by the realization that I need to piss. Ugh. Lying in bed in the morning without an alarm is a great feeling. Doing it while needing to piss is just fucking annoying. And it's ruining my train of thought. I'll go pee and come back before continuing.

Still naked from last night, I get out of bed and pull on a t-shirt and shorts before heading out into the hallway. I hear the sound of my Mom in her bedroom. She's probably exhausted after working for so long.

Thinking of her, just as thinking of Liza did last night, brings a tinge of doubt to my head over what happened, and my plans for the future. Did I really cover my tracks as well as I could have? What will I say if I'm exposed? If I get caught for this, even if I did time, I could probably salvage my relationship with them over the self defence claim. I panicked and ran.

But if I do this again, in a more thought out act of premeditated murder, and then get caught, that becomes a lot harder to explain to the family. Obviously, the answer there is, don't get caught. I'll need to plan really well to make sure of that.

I enter the bathroom and sit down. I don't have the presence of mind to focus on aiming right now.

There's another thing I need to consider if I'm really going to commit to embracing this side of me. What do I do about Rachel? Will the urge to kill her come back? I haven't felt that way yet. But as I've already decided, I need to be really careful when it comes to people in my orbit. I can't risk having bodies connected to me from here on out.

After I relieve myself and wash my hands, I head back into the hallway where Mom's just exiting her bedroom, dressed in pajamas.

"What's got you in such a good mood?" she asks.

"Just feeling so much lighter today for some reason," I reply.

"Well, glad someone is," she snarks. "Hey, do me a favour and check on your sister. See if she wants breakfast. I'll make pancakes."