Things change || BTS

Part 26

I didn't sleep well last night, and right now I'm freaking out over the fact that coffee doesn't work on me. I have been drinking three cups of coffee this morning and all that has done is make me pee every hour. Math tests should really be illegal, see what they do to such innocent students? They break us!

"So no phones, no computer, no calculator, I will only be seeing a pen and a paper on your desks, is that understood?" Mr Spindle says and some small yes's are said by the students. I'm still panicking. Take deep breaths Diana, everything will be fine. People who love math would probably not understand why I feel panicky over a test, and to be honest, I don't really know why either. I just feel this really tight knot in my stomach and my head hurts, almost making me dizzy to a point where I'm afraid to stand up. I'm sitting in the front to make it easy for myself to run outside if it gets worse.

"Diana, will you please hand out the tests?" Mr Spindle says with the papers reached out to me. I look at the harmless papers and give Mr Spindle a nervous look. Breathe Diana and you'll be fine. I take a deep breath before I stand up. As expected I feel slightly dizzy and I grab onto my table. The count to 10 has to go quick or else people will think I'm weird.

"Is everything okay Diana?" Mr Spindle asks and I look at him with a fake smile.

"Yes everything is perfectly fine" I say and place a test on my table facing down. That's 1 out of 26. Great.

I move down among the number of tables and try to place every test on the tables without shaking too much. But as I reach Yoongi's table my knot grows even bigger and I almost trip, but just in time, I catch myself on his table.

"You'll be fine" Yoongi whispers as I put his test on his table. I shake my head in disbelief and I'm about to turn around when he grabs my arm.

"Believe in yourself" He says and I take my arm to myself, not responding to his comment. "Believe in yourself" such bullshit words.

As I've given out the last test, I sit back at my table.

"Thank you Diana, now you can get set, the test starts in 2 minutes" Mr Spindle says as I've calmed myself down a bit. It'll be okay, it's just a test, it doesn't mean anything. I take another really deep breath and find my pen in my bag. You won't be disappointed if you don't expect anything.

"Okay you should all be ready now, you can turn the paper" Mr Spindle says and I hear every paper turning around. I hesitate to do the same. My hand is holding tight onto my pen. You can do this. My heart beats incredible fast as I turn my paper around and see the endless numbers and letters placed on the disturbingly small paper. Another deep breath goes through my mouth before I start focusing on what they mean.

***

"2 minutes left, you should all be writing the last thing down" Mr Spindle says like it's no big deal. It is a big deal, Mr Spindle! I look down at my paper, I still have 4 questions left. I can't make it. My breaths are getting shorter and my heart beating even faster than before. You can't have a panic attack now Dee! Suck it up! My shaky hand tries to write down a beautiful 8 but it comes out looking like a weird snowman. You can't fix that now, move on! My forehead is starting to get sweaty as I look up at the clock. I don't have enough time!

The bell rings and everyone starts to pack their stuff and get out. I can't believe that I didn't finish my test.

I pack my things as quickly as I can and run out of the classroom.

"Diana!" I hear Yoongi yell from behind me, but I keep running. I need air, I need room, I need there to be no one around me.

"Dee?" Jimin says looking confused at me as I run past him. I can't stop now, I just need to get out.

"Diana please wait!" Yoongi yells running behind me. This boy. I wish I had the strength to yell at him, but I don't, I just keep running. And as I reach the door, I feel my head getting hit by fresh air. The door is heavy to make it harder for students to sneak out, but I need to get out. I try to push it with my last strength, but I fail to open the door. My eyes are getting watery as I try another time, but without luck. The muscles in my body feels numb and I can't seem to know how to breathe. I sink down to the floor trying to catch my breath, and I feel peoples eyes on me, but I can't focus on who it is. My body is shaking but I can feel my body getting up and soon the fresh air can be felt everywhere on me. Soon I'm placed down on something I guess is a bench.

"Can you hear me?" a voice speaks, but there's too much noise in my head to hear who it is. I try to nod but I don't know if you can call it a real nod.

"Everything will be okay. Just breathe with me, will you?" The voice says and I feel a hand on my back.

"What's going on?" I hear another voice say and the knot in my stomach is growing bigger as the amount of people comes closer.

"Hey, you need to back off" The first voice says removing the hand on my back.

"You need to tell what is going on" The other voice says getting even closer. My head hurts, it hurts so bad. I can't breathe.

"She's having a panic attack, so you need to go the fuck away and take the others with you" The first voice speaks. I'm trying my best to take a deep breath, but they keep getting shorter. My hands find my head, but my whole body is shaking because of the move.

"Why can you stay then?" The other voice asks already getting a little further away.

"Because I know how to deal with it. Now leave!" The first voice says. I still have no idea what is going on, but I can feel the amount of people around getting smaller.

"Hey, listen again will you, please?" The first voice says and I try another nod, but I think I'm still failing.

"Try and listen to my breathing for a second" The voice suggests and I try and listen closely and follow along, but there too much going on for me to be able to do it.

"You are doing good. Soon it'll be over okay?" The voice says and I try to focus on the word okay. The word is replayed in my head as I try another attempt to catch up with my breaths.

"Remember my lighter?" The voice says and I try to understand what the voice means. Lighter? I don't know what the voice means! Ugh, my head hurts.

"When it opens and when it closes. It's distracting" The voice says. I try to picture it in my head. But it's messy. The only thing I see is the light from the flame.

"You can control the fire. You are controlling the fire" The voice says. I am controlling the fire. It opens and it closes. The flame is small, just like when Yoongi holds it.

"Do you see it?" The voice asks and I nod, this time it's easier than the other two times I tried.

"Good. Now try and breathe with me again" The voice says, it's a very calming voice.

"Breathe in" The voice says taking a deep breath in.

"And then out" The voice says, exhaling at the same time. I try to do it too, it's not as deep as the voice's. I take my arms down from my head and try to look out at the parking lot. I usually try and look for the closest blue car, but instead, I see the minty hair. I try to focus on it to make my header feel less trapped.

"How are you feeling?" Yoongi asks after a little while. I can feel my body again and it's nice.

"I feel, I don't know" I say with a small voice. It's been such a long time since I had my last panic attack. Is it dumb of me to have thought I was over it? Probably.

"Would you like some food? I can buy you some" He asks standing up. I give him a small nod, I could really use some food and some water right now.
"Take this" He says reaching out his hand to me. In his hand is his silver lighter, I hesitate to take it.

"I'll be right back, it's just a distraction" He says getting it closer to me. I take it out of his hand and he gives me a small smile. Soon after he leaves and I'm left alone with the lighter in my hand. I take a close look, it has an engraving that spells out a Y and an M. I can feel it when I put my finger over it. Before I think too much of it, I open it up and the flame is showing. So small. I close it down again. I open it and close it. I control the fire.