Things change || BTS

Part 21

My thoughts cloud my head as I leave Jimin's house that afternoon. I came this time. I did! But I'm guilty of thinking of another man while doing so. I have to figure this out. There's no way that this can keep up. What does it even mean that Yoongi all of a sudden moves his ways into my mind at moments like that? I'm totally in trouble.

The thought of losing Jimin to that stupid boy called Yoongi, frightens me. But why would he be appearing in my head, in times like that, if there wasn't something too it? Ahh, I don't want to think about that.

As soon as I'm in my room I close my door and open my phone, I have to call Bella. The phone rings, but she doesn't pick up. That bitch! Okay she's not a bitch, but I need her! Right now! I need to listens to someone telling me that I'm not totally out of my mind.

"I'll call Nana" I whisper to myself and click on her name. Call Nana the therapist. A few seconds past and she picks up immediately.

"Hey, who's this?" Her warm voice speaks.

"Oh it's Diana" I say bitting my nail in nervousness, I don't know why I'm nervous though, maybe the thought of her telling me something I don't want to hear is freaking me out.

"Hey Diana! What's up?" She says with joy. Ugh, I don't wanna ruin her mood.

"Sorry I'm calling like this, I just really need someone to talk to" I say sounding desperate.

"No no, don't be sorry! What's up? Do you need me to pick you up or something? We can to get an ice cream or maybe go get a coffee?" She says trying to catch her breath in the end.

"No it's fine, I don't want to bother you" I say. It's true, I really don't want to bother her any more than I already am. And my problem is stupid anyway.

"Hey I'm free and have nothing else to do, it will be good for the both of us. Let me get your address, I'll come by as quick as I can" She says, giving me no time to think the idea through. But I guess it would be nice.

"I'll text it to you" I say.

"Okay, see you soon" She says and hangs up. I should probably go ask my mom if it's cool that I leave for an hour or so.

***

"Put the seatbelt on! The ride is going to McDonalds" Nana says as soon as I've sat down in her car. When my seatbelt has clicked Nana starts the car and we drive past the many houses on my road.

"So..." She starts and I can already feel myself getting embarrassed.

"You needed to talk?" She adds and I slowly nod. How do I start this?

"Take you time, my ears are open when you need it" She says and smiles brightly at the road. I can't help but look at her and adore the kindness she has brought me.

"Well you remember I told you about me cheating on Jimin yesterday, right?" I ask.

"Yes I do" She responds.

"I have been thinking about it a lot since we talked about it and before that. And I really don't know to do about it. I keep killing my own mind with stupid thoughts about it, but it's all the same. My head is gonna explode soon" I say, getting almost everything out.

"Okay let's take a step back, right? You kissed Yoongi once at a party where may I add, you were very drunk! That means nothing if you don't want it to. So be calm, there's nothing to worry about" She says trying to hold the focus on the road and still looking at me a few times.

"I cheated on him twice... Once at that party, and another time at school, but I swear I told Yoongi to fuck off as soon as I stopped it! But I did kiss him sober, and wanted it... That's just as bad" I say covering my face with my hands.

"I see... But you stopped it right? I really don't think you should beat yourself up about it. It probably meant nothing" She says trying to convince me the same way I've been the past week.

"Yeah but then today, when I was at Jimin's house and we started... Having fun? I started thinking of Yoongi and that was just so wrong! But he just appeared in my mind and I couldn't let the thought of him go. It disgust me how I can be with Jimin, the best man in the world, but think of that stupid asshole called Yoongi!" I say almost screaming.

"Do you think that there's a chance that you like Yoongi?" She asks and I get quiet. No? I don't like Yoongi.

"I don't think so. I mean Jimin is everything I could ask for and- " I say but Nana cuts me off.

"I'm not mentioning Jimin. Let's imagine that Jimin doesn't exist. Would you try out for Yoongi?" She asks as if the answer is simple.

"I don't know! He has been an asshole to me for so long, but now, all of a sudden he's being nice? It just feels good that he now suddenly wants me when I thought he hated me" I say and cover my mouth. Did I just say that out loud? Diana get it together! You sound pathetic.

"I totally get that. But maybe that the reason why you feel interested in him? Maybe it has nothing to do with him or that you like him, maybe you just like the fact that he doesn't hate you. I think I would get that confused too if it was me" She says satisfied with her answer. And I guess she might be right about that.

"But I still think about him at times that I shouldn't! I want him gone out of my mind completely" I say, hoping for another really good answer.

"I don't think he'll disappear from your mind completely any time soon, but maybe he keeps appearing when you're with Jimin is because you feel guilty? If you tell him about it, you might feel better" She says. I don't know about that. I mean, Jimin would hate me?

"But what if Jimin won't be with me after he knows" I ask.

"Then it probably wasn't meant to be... I mean, he will find out some day you know? And if you tell him the truth now and confirm him that nothing is gonna happen again, then he might be able to forgive you?" She says.

"I'm just really scared I'll lose him" I say, tearing up.

"Hey it's going to be okay, and now we're at McDonalds and I'll buy you a McFlurry, so everything will be okay" She says and gives me a smile. I look up and see that we are in fact at the drive through at McDonalds.

"You don't have to do that, I don't really think I can eat it anyways" I say, drying my eyes with my sleeve.

"Two McFlurry's with Oreo" She says while sticking her head out of the window.

"And 8 chicken nuggets and 2 hamburgers please" She adds and sit down in her seat again.

"Let's just eat ourselves fat from the food here and talk for a long time about everything else than boys. Doesn't that sound at least a little pleasing?" She asks caressing my cheek with one of her fingers.

"I guess it does" I say and give her a small smile, while still having watery eyes.

"Great" She says and send me a big smile back. Nana really has a special kindness in her blood.