Midnight wonders

Poem #196

Why I think it's okay for him to treat me like this

I don't know , part of me thinks I owe it to him to put up with what he does. Like he's sacrificed more for me , like we've been through so much that I can just take one for the team. Since he likes to remind me of this often . How much he's had to give up and to be with me , he makes it seem like he let me have the last oxygen tank and we were drowning . Another part of me knows that I'm too attached and that letting go would be like ripping IV wires from my arms. I gained Him around the same time I lost Her , so in a way he filled the hole, and I don't wanna hurt anymore for Her because she couldn't care less about me so i hurt for Him instead. Deep down , i put up with him because I love him , or maybe it's because I need to be loved so bad I can't tell when it isn't love anymore. I let him love me when it's convenient for him , and I let him treat me like a dying plant at other times thinking maybe it's what I get for not being good enough. I let him treat me like this because I need him , kinda of like how the night time needs stars or else it wouldn't be the same . It would still be pretty with all the planets out , and the moon , but it just wouldn't feel the same . It would be noticeable that something's missing . When in doubting our relationship My heart likes to flip through all of our old files. Like the Friday nights I spent lying on his chest or the times I've cried with him , how it felt to kiss him . The times he's told me he needs me , that he can't live without me . The times he's stopped me from killing or cutting myself. I think back on the past six months we've spent together , and even though my brain tells me no. That I deserve better , that this Is unhealthy and he's ruining me , I stay . Because i believe deep down he'll change , he'll be the person I first fell in love with again. He'll stop breaking my heart, he'll love me unconditionally, he'll want me again, he'll stop saying mean things. I keep thinking he'll come around so much that I convince myself it's getting better when it's not. I tell myself he's planting flowers in my mind when really he's putting poison in my veins. But I can't tell the difference. Or maybe I don't want to. I don't want to admit that this isn't okay. I don't wanna admit I need to let go. He's seen too much of me , the little dusty cracks I've kept hidden so well. The cobwebs on my heart. The scars on my skin . He's seen it all . I don't want him to become another person out there with all my secrets and thoughts. A walking memory.

This is why I let him treat me like this.

I'm too addicted to his cinnamon personnel.
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This was a writing assignment from my psychologist , to write about why it's okay for my boyfriend to treat me like this . It sounded nice so I thought I would post it ig.
- your very own broken girl❤️