The Lost and Found

Bald-Beard

CHAPTER ONE: Finn Parker

It was fall. The start of a new probably shitty school year. A fresh beginning of complete mental and emotional (and probably physical) torture for ten HELL-Y months. And here I was, sitting in the middle of an empty classroom, serving detention for this bald guy with an emotionless expression. But even though his face showed nothing, I could feel the intensity and heat behind the Math teacher's stare.

Oh detention. What a cool way to start the year.

I was alone. Well, of course I was. Nobody wants to be punished on their first day. But I guess I was an exception. I hate to be here but it seems to be a yearly tradition for me.

And probably to Bald-Beard right here.

As I recall all the past few adventures I had, Im guessing it all started when I was in year eight, middle school, on the first day, of course.

It was Bald-Beard's twenty-fifth-year anniversary. Right on the first day. It was my second year there so I knew him pretty well. He has no wife, but he has a son. Apparently, the mother had left one night for another guy she was once again, apparently screwing for two years.

Her conscience is as big as my dick, which is nowhere near any size, seeing that I am a girl and unfortunately, I am penis-less.

Not that I'm a transgender or anything. But maybe in the future I would. But nah, I just enjoy living like a dude. I still swoon over boy-bands.

Like can we just talk about Kellin Quinn's voice and his hair? Like seriously. I wouldn't get over that. Ever.

Anyway, back to the story, it was his anniversary and I decided that I want to try something new, something phenomenal, remarkable. So, right on Math class, before Mr. Harris (yup, first time using his real name) I placed an extra-large adult diaper that I had stolen from him on some random boring night with different types of animal poop (preferably my neighbor's cat, this really old squirrel living on this large tree on the local park, Dianne's, a little girl that lives across the street, large dog, and of course, my own), sprinkled with chocolate chips and streaked with chocolate and mocha syrup with a candle poked right in the middle, lightened.

I would never, EVER, not in a billion years, not when a meteorite lands on Earth right now, or when Godzilla with a head of Barbie invades, forget that priceless face that suddenly took over his face when he saw it for the very first time on his newly polished table.

I think he nearly fainted.

Which would be a great hit on YouTube by the way.

Bald-Beard never expected that antic to return the following year so believe it or not, he actually passed out.

Probably because of the substitute ingredient I had mixed in. Dianne's dog ran away temporarily and I was really freaked out for a moment until my aunt invited me to her farm, to help her with the cows.

You probably know what happened next.

But this year it was different. It had my neighbor's grandfather's pee on it and their cat's puke. Judging by the look of Bald-Beard's face, mission was a success.

I held back a laugh for a few seconds until I actually choked on my own breath which was probably for nothing because I bursted out laughing anyway.

He must've expected that. The guy still sat there, not saying a word and looking at me like I was some sort of disease.

Which I probably was. To him. And to a whole bunch of people out there, half of them I don't know. I don't why I do it but I annoy the shit of strangers too.