Only You

twenty-four

My heart stopped and the lump in my throat got bigger, if I talked to him I would surely breakdown into tears. I'd look pathetic.

Ya Allah, please take me out of this situation.

"Dr. Khan, I have a patient to see. Is this urgent?" I let out in a very low voice.

The amount of confidence that took was unmeasurable but I didn't feel relieved, I was as anxious as I was when he walked in.

Ya Allah, please.

I dared to look up and saw his clenched jaw which frightened to my core. But the almighty had answered my prayer, as a nurse called me.

"Dr.Siddiqui, William Lendsburg's mother wanted to see you before discharge." She said.

"Okay,"

I looked back and nodded once at Dr. Khan, and turned around to assist my patients. I felt his stare on me, and If I wasn't in such a turmoil I'd be blushing and jumping up and down in happiness that his eyes were on me. However, this was different because the further I walked the more my throat throbbed.

I knocked on the door and walked inside.

"You needed me?" My voice cracked.

Pull yourself together Huda!

"Ah yes, there is a rash on his knee and I was worried the nurse seemed to not know and she got confused."

I moved closer to check the rash, and it looked nothing more than mild eczema.

"It's just little eczema, not serious at all. Ezcema medication can be bought from a drug store, and the nurse was an intern." I said my voice not coming out like a squeak.

"Are you okay Dr. Siddiqui? Your eyes are red as well." She asked worried,

"Ah yes, I'm fine. Thank you. Is there anything else?"

"No, Thank you so much. Hope you feel better." She said.

I smiled at her sweetness and walked out.

I wouldn't feel better, I couldn't.

I walked to my office and took a seat in my chair. Staring into space as I tortured myself with my mind. Until Zahra barged into my office- furious.

"What the hell is going on? Why did you bail out of the Rishta?" She asked.

I looked at Zahra as I felt my emotions on the verge of bursting out into half words and sobs. I looked straight at her and tried telling her what had happened.

"M..M-M" I tried, as the tears rushed out one by one.

I wasn't like this. I wasn't sentimental, I always looked at the positive side and smiled at everyone. Zahra, Jacob, and Ruth always came to me with their problems because I'd always cheer them up, why was I like this?

"M-Mariam." I let out as I broke into cries- my shoulders shaking as I let my guard down.

Zahra walked towards me and held my head against her chest.

"She's Haniah's mom," I said, though it didn't come out as an actual sentence and more in the middle of a sob I choked on.

"Ya Allah, Meri Jaan." She said, holding me tighter.

I cried for what felt like hours, wetting Zahra's lab coat and swelling my face. The back of my neck pain from the excessive crying and stress and my body shivered.

Amid hiccups and sips of water, I managed to tell Zahra what happened last night.

"Huda, I think you're wrong. She left him, she left Haniah. If Dr. Khan had wanted anything to do with her it would've happened by now. He wants to marry you, why are you being so hard on yourself."

I shook my head at her.

"She didn't do it on purpose Zahra, she was in a difficult position. I can't take away someone's daughter and love like that. Haniah would want her biological mother over me, and Dr. Khan would want his first love and his daughter's mother back. I can't break apart a family Zahra." I said shedding more tears.

"You need to talk to Dr. Khan, why the hell would you cancel the marriage without knowing what he wanted?" She squinted her eyes at me.

I was speechless. All that ran through my mind was Mariam's begs, I just began to love Dr. Khan, she's been in love with him for the past few years. I can't be this selfish, how can I expect her to back off when logically it'd be easier for me too.

I know, she left them in the first place but it wasn't her fault. I couldn't judge her actions when I didn't know what she had been through. I knew her family had money issues because of the way Mrs. Sheikh acted for Adeel's surgery cost. That made everything more difficult for me, I couldn't make someone suffer like this.

If I talked to him I would say something that would display how broken I was. The last thing I wanted for him to feel for me was pitifulness.

Zahra comforted me for a while longer and then left for her appointments, reminding me to talk this through with the man himself.

The day was over, and I put on my coat getting ready to leave. I hadn't talked to Dr. Khan yet, neither did I have a plan on how I would.

I walked out to the parking lot and leaning against my white car was Dr. Khan.

"Our shift is over. What's the matter, Huda?" He said

I began to shake not only from the weather but also the intensity of the situation I was in. I lowered my eyes and began to think of what to say.

I couldn't pull himself to me, it wouldn't be fair. I had to go. For him and his family. I didn't belong there.

"I don't think..... we are good...for each other," I said in the lowest tone, but the silence of the night surely allowed my words to reach his ears.

"What is the actual reason." He said, as if his patience was running out he stood up straight his long legs aiding him to hover over me.

"I know, please help me. I need my daughter back, I want my family back."

I squinted my eyes as Mariam's cries invaded my mind.

"I can't do this," I said quickly trying to escape and unlock my car as the tears started flowing out.

"Fine, I will be at your house tomorrow. If you're going to leave your going to leave telling me the truth." He said in a voice deeper than his normal.

I bit my lip and got into my car driving away. As I received a message

"Thank You."  my car read out to me.

It was an unknown number, but I knew who it was.

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