Only You

twenty-six

One of the worst feelings in the world is the ball of sorrow in your throat, almost impossible to stop it; it comes when you least want it to. The way your tears push against your waterline almost begging your mental to let them out, when you convince your mind to refrain from letting the emotions visible it gives you all the reasons you could ever be feeling down in the first place.

The feeling of wet eyes, blurry vision, tear-stained cheeks felt so normal I couldn't remember the happy me. I saw so many reasons to be more content but why wouldn't this ache go away? Stuck in me was this bubble of negativity and grief.

I wanted that bubble to pop, I want to let go, I don't want to cry about everything, I want to be lion-hearted, I want that side of my head that tells me that I can't go back to the girl I was, to vanish. I want to be the lady who cheered everyone up.

The past week went by toughly, I took the week off as I became more unwell physically and emotionally. I had told Huzaifah what had happened but didn't want to announce it to the whole family. The wedding was officially off and I didn't take it well.

Zahra's wedding was coming up in two weeks which definitely gave me some glee. Zahra's mother invited us to dinner, and Jacob made me go to the arcade with him and Ruth. Bhai and Bhabi constantly found new ways to keep me company at home. I was greatly thankful for them since they helped me not go insane.

It was my first day back to work, and I wasn't ready. Dr. Khan was still my boss, I had to report to him this morning for our department meeting. I prayed Tahajud, and Ishraq pleading to make this easier for me.

To be normal I had to start picking up my old habits again. I had to act like the person I was before step by step. I was going to stick around my friends every chance I got, and come up with new plans to cheer up the kids.

I felt better yes, but that was because the reason I was so upset was out of my sight. I prayed for the stabilty of myself when I would encounter them, as that was all I could do.

I arrived at the hospital as the elevator dinged to notify me about my arrival on the pediatrics floor. I walked to reception with a smile on my face seeing Jacob talking to Ruth.

"Hey guys," I said.

"HUDA!" Jacob cheered.

"Guess what!?, I got a walk-in a patient earlier and guess who it was? A child actor. She was in so many TV shows like-"

"Should I be happy that you have a famous patient, or sad that she's sick?" I said pursing my lips.

"Good point." He said covering his mouth with his four fingers as if he was figuring something out.

"You should be happy." He said after a pause.

I gave him a proud look and nod trying to mock him. This felt better, definitely.

"So I had an idea before we took off for winter break," I said.

"We should have a party for the kids,"

"We should!" Ruth said excitedly.

Our phones chimed simultaneously indicating the meeting was going to begin.

My heartbeat paced up, and I grew anxious. I couldn't do this.

All the memories of the last two weeks started to flash through my mind, each expression and word. The moments I spent crying, and everything I had tried so hard to let go of.

"Huda, hey look at me," Jacob called.

"It's going to be alright, we're going with you." He said.

Ruth held my hand in hers as we began to walk towards the briefing room

"Lucky," Jacob muttered looking at our hands.

Arriving at the briefing room and Zahra waved at us grinning as we sat by her.

"I had my first patient scene since FOREVER," Zahra said.

"YES! what happened?" Jacob said.

We all paid attention to Zahra excited to hear about the weird stories of our unusual patients.

"Apparently, he was really scared of the showerhead. So the nurses tried and tried to get him to shower, but he was persistent. The nurse told him it was detachable there was no way it would eat him and he could spray himself with it but he didn't want to listen so the nurses persisted to get over the shower quicker and he showered the nurses instead. When I walked in from the emergency call I saw him full-on shooting the two with a the showerhead. They were both soaked it was hilarious." She chucked.

"That's so strange, I loved hand showers as a kid. It was so cool how the soap would fall off where you pointed the head at." I said smiling

"Your such a nerd," Jacob said.

"Shut up," I shot back.

"Listen up everyone, next week is the Gifts of Love event each department does. Each department gets two kids who are in need and we provide them with gifts, food, and most importantly affection. This year we got a Sophia and a Jake." He said

I didn't look his way, though his voice went through my head slightly messing with my emotions. I tried to focus on what he was saying rather than him- himself.

"Sophia loves soccer, reading mystery books, and wants to grow up to be a coach. As for Jake, he loves Toy Story and he likes to play with action figures wants to grow up and be a cop." Dr. Khan said.

We all nodded and no one said anything else.

"If there are no other questions, you are dismissed." He announced.

We all got up and began to take our leave. I still hadn't spared him a look, because I knew what one look at him would do to me. All my effort would go to waste and I'd fall in the trap of sadness again.

"Dr. Siddiqui, do you have a minute?" Dr. Khan called.

My breath hitched as I paused, the other three stopping with me.

"Yes, sir?" I replied.

Turning to him gazing down, feeling the presence of my three friends beside me making me a little less anxious.

The small lump in my throat began to form yet again, as I knew I was subconsciously running over the memories we shared and thinking of how it had to come to an end.

"Are you three going to stay?" Dr. Khan questioned confusedly.

"Yes, sir," They mumbled.

"You missed a week, you'll have to do three days of overtime to make up for it." He said

I felt his stare burn through me, as I fought myself to not lookup.

If I looked up I'd feel devastated, but I had to do it one day or another.

I looked up as his eyes met with mine as the small interaction triggered something in me.

"Ugh, the mugshot face is back,"

"You did great-"

"What is love to you?"

"For me, It's my daughter and my parents."

The wave of anxiety went through me and I knew I wasn't okay, I didn't let go. If anything every memory we shared- I was essentially hugging secure in my arms. I couldn't let go, because it was him.

Dr. Humza Khan.