Off Record [Ereri/Riren] ✓

10 ⚕︎Fixation ✍︎

Off Record
Chapter 10
⚕︎Fixation ✍︎
Eren

fix·a·tion

/fikˈsāSH(ə)n/

noun

an obsessive interest in or feeling about someone or something.

It's happening again.

It's happened enough times in the past for me to finally recognize the signs and feelings within myself. Unfortunately, I've never been able to stop it.

It had happened in the past, with Mikasa, but meeting her yesterday had proven to me that I'd finally been able to let go. I was free of those feelings, free of my own mind's enslavement.

It only took me a few hours to realize that I'm not free, my fixation has only shifted... to Dr. Ackerman.

I don't know why (though I suspect it's due to my isolation), but I know it has to stop. I will not be doing this again and especially not with him.

I doubt I can keep this to myself, not with someone trained to look for things like this. I assume it's part of one of my, most likely many, mental illnesses. There's certainly no way it's normal. The 'craziness' of it all is often conflated with being in love, but I was never in love with Mikasa and I'm certainly not in love with Dr. Ackerman. The two relationships are purely platonic, so there's no reason I should attach myself to these people like this.

I pace the half of the room that I'm able to, the shambling of the shackles helping to tune out the voices so I can think clearly. I need to sort this out now before it gets any worse.

I can feel that I'm already starting to panic and am thankful I have come to this realization in the middle of the night so Dr. Ackerman is most likely not watching my breakdown... I hope.

The urge to hurt myself is strong too, but I've been doing so fucking well. Titan can't protect me from the sins of my own mind. Maybe I don't even want Titan, maybe I just want to hurt.

I trip slightly as the shackles yank me back, reminding me of my physical imprisonment. I growl at them before continuing my pacing.

First of all, what exactly is this?

Answer, I don't fucking know. With Mikasa, I hadn't even noticed it until she told me that how I was feeling was not something she experienced. What I'd done, or what my brain had done, was put Mikasa on a pedestal of sorts. She'd become the most important person in the world to me. That on it's own, isn't strange, however, it becomes so when I add that she could influence these major mood swings by doing the smallest and most insignificant of things.

If she ignored something I'd said, I'd suddenly crash and feel like she didn't care about me at all. If she was angry with me, I began to panic, believing that she was finally going to abandon me. If she talked to someone who wasn't me, I would feel lonely, jealous, angry, and worthless. My entire mood was dependent on her caring for me and treating me like I was the most important person in the world to her, the same way she was to me.

I allowed her to be cruel to me because she owned my mind, so of course she could do what she wanted with me.

It isn't healthy in the slightest, but I don't know how to stop it. I can't fight my feelings, even if I know they're irrational. Dr. Ackerman can probably help me, but I feel sick at the thought of explaining this to him than having to tell him that he is the person my brain has decided to fixate on. Also, letting him know that he's just been handed this type of power over my psyche sounds like the worst fucking idea I've ever considered.

He can't help me here. I just have to deal with it, like I always have. It's hell being so easily influenced by one person, but I'll manage because I have to.

I lie down on the floor and sigh. There's no way I'm getting any sleep tonight. I'm starting this 'training' tomorrow, that's going to be fucking awful without sleep. My trainer is going to hate me.

I groan out loud and sling my arm over my eyes. I tug at the shackles, bored. It's times like these when I wish I could be experiencing any type of stimulus, even getting the shit beat out of me would be more fun than lying here thinking.

I hate thinking.

"Thinking is dangerous."

"He's watching you."

"Kill yourself, it's the only way to stop thinking."

"Don't trust him. Don't trust any of them."

"It's not safe here."

I roll over and cover my ears, not that it'll help. Having my face pressed into the floor like this reminds me of my failed attempt to get a rise out of Dr. Ackerman. He had been pissed, yes, but I'd expected him to beat me half to death.

I wish he had, maybe then I wouldn't have fixated on him.

I roll back onto my back and sigh.

I can't believe he asked me if I wanted a prostitute today. Of course I have sexual urges, but I don't want meaningless sex; I might as well just wank one out in the bathroom. I'm sure Ryder won't mind if I ask him.

If I'm going to fuck someone, it better damn well be worth my time.

It also doesn't help that when he'd brought it up I immediately thought of him. I don't even want sex with him (though I suppose I wouldn't mind), but simply the way he talks to me is enough to make me feel... something. It's not when he's in 'doctor mode,' but it's when he asserts his supposed dominance that has been getting to me. It's exciting and it makes me feel alive. It makes me want to push him, force him to prove it, and I feel that if he ever does I'll probably be insanely turned on.

I've never given thought to that side of myself but he's been bringing it out more and more with each interaction. I almost wish he'll force me to admit it; he clearly knows and I prefer that it be out in the open instead of remaining as something he can hold over me.

I stare at the ceiling and decide it'll be more productive to count sheep than dwell on my woes. I can see my mother standing the corner of my room. She always appears when I'm stressed. I ignore her, knowing she's not real, and begin counting.

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Author's Note:

Thoughts?

-Jex