This is L.o.v.e. like it should be

IX. Company's psychologist

"I just can't stop having these dreams, over and over again. In this one, he is sitting on his couch, staring at the flames in the fireplace. There's an open window and I feel a cold breeze on my skin."

"Please, continue Miss Ava."

Ava covered her mouth with her hand and closed her eyes for a moment.

"I'm wearing lingerie. Not any lingerie, this one is special. I bought it in his favorite color, just to surprise him and let him know that I listen to him. And I do..."

"What happens next?"

"I sit on his lap, facing him. Then I place my hand on his face and I look him straight in the eyes. I want him to be focused on me and only me because there's something important I need to tell him", she looked to the floor, unable to keep the eye contact with the psychologist.

"What do you need to tell him?"

"I love you...", Ava closed her eyes again, reliving that part of the dream.

"Does he say it back?"

"No, those aren't actually the words I tell him."

"What words do you use then?"

"How can you think I don't love you?" A tear was forming in Ava's eye. "After I ask him that question, I bring my head next to his, and touch his forehead with mine. While we have our eyes locked, my hand slides down his face until it reaches his chest. I'm looking for the answer not in his words, but in his heartbeat."

"In this dream, do you find the answer in his heartbeat?"

"I can't answer that because, before I get my answer, I can never resist his full lips. Oh, his lips...", Ava pushed her hair back, getting more nervous. "His warm, soft skin combined with his breath on me... It's just impossible to resist."

"Does the dream continue, Miss Ava?"

"Sometimes, yes. And when it does, we keep kissing passionately on the couch for a brief moment..." Ava's heart started racing. She drew a deep breath to regain focus and told him: "Then I slide down and get on my knees between his legs, put my hand on his crotch and start unzipping his pants."

"Is that how it usually ends?"

"Yes, for the most part."

"In this dream, is it always you who initiates contact? Did he ever give you the answer you seek or reciprocate your advances in any way?"

"No, I don't feel like I deserve him to do it so", she admitted, fighting to keep her tears inside.

"Miss Ava, from what you've told me, I could surmise the breakup is quite recent, but, if I may ask, who actually ended the relationship?"

"I did", she said, inquietly.

"And why was that?"

"Because I was bad for him."

"Bad for him? How so, Miss Ava?"

"I failed him. I tried as best I could to make him feel loved. I wanted to be more, to have more, just to give him. I was so focused on my own goals... I wanted desperately to feel worthy of his love, but I ended up driving him away while trying to be better for him. Does it make sense?"

"In a way, yes, it does."

The psychologist's answer had Ava fighting her tears again. She felt guilty, riddled with regret. Through it all, she always made sure Julien was her priority, didn't she? Had she failed in showing him that?

"I just...", she couldn't finish her own sentence.

The psychologist gave her a moment and then asked: "Why did you feel like you were not worthy of his love?"

Ava raised her head and looked him in the eyes.

"I'm not sure if I know the answer, he always used to tell me everything was all right."

"What did he mean by all right?"

"I'm not sure. We used to kind of live in the moment and didn't use to talk about our future. I wasn't sure about what he wished for himself or for us."

"If you were not sure, why didn't you ask him directly about what he wished?"

Ava stopped for a moment to gaze to the horizon. She was trying to form an answer. One she could feel it was the right one. "I didn't know how my future would look like, so I guess I feel like I didn't deserve to ask him about his."

"And how about now, do you know what your future will look like?"

"No, I still don't know", she sounded as honest as she could.

"Do you think he knew how you feel about your future?"

"I'm not sure", Ava answered.
From across the room, an alarm chimed on the psychologist's desk.

"Well, that's our time for today. Let me just leave you with this miss Ava, it's a cliché but nobody ever knows exactly what the future holds, all we can do is what we can and hope for the best. Same time tomorrow?"