Complicated (First Book)

5 not

I was wearing heelies in Walmart rolling around and people started cheering me on and hhhhhh anxiety

When I'm done eating a pop tart I sit on the couch with Mike. I think mike is cool because he's not too observant and he eats a ton so it makes me feel better about how I eat. If he can eat that much and be skinny I can eat this much and not be fat.

He doesn't question me and he's not touchy. I don't like people touching me, not in the slightest. Mike makes me not feel so lonely but I do know I'm on my own in my head.

Nobody understands how I think. My body just doesn't match me. Sometimes I feel like I might be a pretty girl, but it doesn't represent me. So I hate it. It's hard to explain. My hated for myself is confusing.

I have different things I hate about myself and sometimes its conflicting. Like sometimes I think I'm too fat and other times I think I'm to skinny.

Mike and Vic don't have these problems. I look at Mike to see he's smiling at his phone. "Who are you texting?" I ask as he texts someone furiously.

I wish I had that. I guess I kind of do with Vic- no.. never mind. We do text a lot but I'm never to eager to text back. Mike is. He looks at me and smiles.

"Nobody?" He says and I roll my eyes.

"Come on, I won't tell anyone," I say and he shakes his head and continues to type.

I'm really a curious person so I start trying to look at his phone but he angles it away. I proceed to try and look at it but he pulls it away. I more of less get on top of him as I fight for his phone.  He's laughing and still trying to text as he keeps it from me.

When I almost grab it he put his hand on my chest. We both freeze and make eye contact. I know he didn't realize I'm  technically a girl.. he thought putting his hand there was nothing...

My face twists to look that expresses how I feel. Horrified, scared, guilty, grossed out, sad, and anxious. His face holds shock and confusion.

I grab his wrist with shaky hands and slowly pull his hand away from my chest. "Wait.. I'm confused," he says and I get up quietly.  I'm not sure how to react.

"I'm g-going home," I say covering my chest protectively as I talk.

"No, i- just sit. I'm going to forget what just happened," he says calmly. I look at the door and around. I don't actually want to leave but this is stressful.

Tears start forming. He didn't know, it's not his fault.. it's not the end of the world. He said he'll forget about it... "dude, sit. I'll tell you about the guy I'm texting," he says and I look at him surprised.

He called me dude.. he's not going to start calling me girl pronouns?  Guy? Wait, why was he smiling so much for a guy?

"You're texting a guy?" I whisper and smiles and nods.

"Yeah, Tony.. don't tell anyone but me and him have been talking," he says and I'm less anxious about what just happened and more thinking of Mike and Tony.

I know Tony but I didn't realize he was gay. Or that Mike is gay. "You're gay?" I whisper.

"We all have secrets," he says and I nod a little.  "Want to read our messages? He's so cute," Mike says now holding out his phone for me.

With one hand covering my chest I grab it with the other. He pats the spot next to him and smiles. He doesn't seem not be to concern about what just happened. 

Maybe he didn't actually realize I have a girls body? Maybe he just doesn't care? I sit and look at his phone.

I scroll up a little and look at him for permission. He smiles and nods and I start reading. Its all cute stuff giving me some insight on their relationship.  It seems they aren't dating or anything but they are flirting.

"Mike.. did you- um.. what do you think about me?" I ask giving him his phone.

"You're a cool dude. Why?" He says and I smile.

"Just wondering. Does vic know about Tony?" I ask and he shakes his head no.

"Okay. I won't tell him. But I am going to go home," I say getting up.

He nods and looks from his phone to me. "Thanks. Do you want me to drive you?" He asks.

"Nah, I'll be fine," I say and go to the door and start pulling on my shoes.

"Bye," he calls out.

"Bye. Oh I don't think Vic knows I was here. Can you not tell him?" I say. I don't really want vic to know because he always seems to worry about things.

It's just easier. "Alright," he says and I leave.

As I walk home I try to make sense of everything. Mike may or may not know about my secret but he seems cool about it. He's never been one to tell secrets or judge.

Vic and Mike are like my brothers.. More so than my real brother. I cringe at thinking about my brother.

He's sick..

Ooh.. what do you think his brother is like?

How do you like Mike?

How do you feel about kellin and vic's  relationship?