Complicated (First Book)

7 cutting

Kellin's pov

Red...

Blood from my wrists run down my elbows and drip onto the floor.

Do you ever get messed up memories and you're not 100% if they are real because it just seems so wrong? These thoughts are eating me alive. I wasn't sexually assaulted.. that just seems to bad to happen to me.

They feel like bad dreams, not memories. It can't be real. I want to ask someone but nobody knows..

One of the memories was from around 8 or 9 years ago. I was about under the age of ten. I'm 17 right now so it was really long ago. But I'm convinced that this memory is fake.

My brother was about 13 or so and we were playing 'spies'. That's his favorite game. This time I was practicing my climbing ninja skills. We were in the hallway and I was holding the window seal with my left hand and left foot. My right hand was on the other wall and so was my foot.

I was holding myself up and I was kinda proud. Just if if I could get higher up I could be like those ninjas in the movies where they are in this position but their backs are on the ceiling.

My brother got on the floor under me so I won't let myself fall. He then reached up and touched me.. in between my legs. He asked how it felt and I didn't understand why or what he was doing.

I ended up says something like 'nothing' but I hardly remember. I don't even remember what happened next. It just doesn't seem real.

Is that considered sexual assault? It doesn't matter, my brother couldn't have done that. It's just a mixed up memory and imagination. Or maybe it was a dream.

Slowly I clean off my wrists and all the blood elsewhere. Last night Oli invited me to go to the park with him but I denied him. I was too upset..

I'm confused and frustrated. These memories or whatever they are seem to be just now resurfacing. I didn't know these things a year ago. That's one reason why I don't believe them.

It's not like I can ask anyone about them either. The only person who would know would be my brother... That wouldn't be something to ask about.

If it did happen he would obviously lie and if he didn't he would be weirded out that I thought that up. Plus its embarrassing and disturbing.

I could put on my binder on and have to wear a hoodie or I could do something a bit more painful. If I did the painful vision then I could wear a thin long sleeve and nobody will be able to see my binder's seams.

I grab a roll of duck tape and go into my bathroom. I put some toilet paper on my nipples and tape down my boobs with tan duck tape. After that parts done I end up wrapping it around my body so its secure and super tight.

It's going to hurt wearing this and especially taking it off but it makes me look like I absolutely have no boobs whatsoever. I put on my black tight long sleeve shirt and smile a little seeing no seams. I put on a short sleeve button up but I don't button it up.

I put on black skinny jeans and fix my hair a little. I look like a guy and I love it. I feel confident.. someone could touch my chest and never suspect I have boobs.

I'm confident but not comfortable. This hurts and its hard to breath in. That's okay, I rather look like me than breath comfortably. Don't get me wrong, I can breath. Just not deep breaths..

After brushing my teeth and using the bathroom I leave my house I find myself walking to Vic's. When I walk into their house I see Vivian cooking dinner. Mike's watching TV and texting. Vic is at the table reading a book quietly.

None of them glare at me of give me any reason to think they don't want me here. "Kellin, can you help me?" She asks and head over to her.

"Yes mum," I say and start helping. I started calling her mum about a year ago because I was always here and they joked about adopting me. That and a mess up when I was trying to say ma'am so it started of as a joke.

It's a joke but she accepted it and I like the idea of her as my mom. So now its natural.

-

Dinner went by good and nothing seems to be awkward with Mike. I ate my dinner fully because I skipped breakfast and lunch. I normally would clean the dishes in a way to say sorry or thank you to them but I can't roll up my sleeves so I don't offer.

Mum wasn't expecting me to but I feel like I should have helped. Me and Vic go to his room and he then looks upset or nervous. Why? Do I look like a girl and he's uncomfortable?

Did he see the fresh cuts?

"Do you think we can watch a movie and cuddle?" He says and I self consciously touch the tape to feel if he'll feel anything weird.

"Sure," I say and he smiles and starts putting something on. Vic has a TV on his dresser, I want a TV on my dresser. I take off my shoes and get on his bed. He does the same and he proceeds to cuddle with me like I'm a girl and he's scared to touch my chest.

No I don't want him to touch my chest but its annoying when I can see the obvious awkwardness. I wish he didn't know I was physically a girl. Then if he touched my chest right now I wouldn't care.

I trust this tape more than my binder and I'm mentally more comfortable in it. It's still hard to breath and it hurts like hell but I can deal with it.

You got more insight about kellin.. what do you think?

How do you feel about his family so far?

How do you feel Oli will react if he what happened in between mike and kellin happened with him and kellin?