Complicated (First Book)

12 bitch

I look at Mike and mess with my sleeves. He's my friend, I can trust him..

I'm alone in my thoughts and that will never change but maybe if I voice them I can get a little  more answers. I never truly answer my questions so maybe if mike can answer some I'll stop thinking so hard about it.

"You know.. about me, right?" I say nervously not looking at him.

"I don't want to assume I do. Can you just tell me?" He says and I nod gathering my confidence.

"Im.. trans.. and its killing me," I say and tears run down my face but I'm not all sniffles and crying. It's just stupid tears.

"Okay, I was suspecting that after accidentally grabbing your chest," he clears up calmly and I run my hand through my hair.

"I like this guy but I'm never going to be a-able to be in a r-relationship because..  of shit," I mumble feeling stupid.

"Is it Oli?" He asks. I nod a little and he looks at me telling me to continue.

"Well its whatever with him. I don't know. I'm not comfortable enough to be  in a relationship.. but okay, so I've never been in a relationship.. so I've never kissed anyone.. Is a big deal for me," I say and open my soda and takes a sip of the apple fanta.

He looks to understand and comprehend what I'm saying so I continue. "Vic just kissed me," I say and he looks surprised.

"He kisses you? Just now?" He asks and I frown and nod. He sighs and looks at me. "Are you mad at him?" He asks and I wipe my eyes.

"No? I don't know.. I was a when it happened but now I'm just.. lost. I realize I'm never going to be comfortable kissing. When he kissed me it made me really dysmorphic and fuck. I wish I had a guys body," I say and he looks understanding..

"So I know you must not like your body but other people do. If someone is kissing you or more that means they like your personality and physical appearance. So there's no reason you should feel uncomfortable. You're you and Oli would understand that what he sees isn't how you feel," he says like he knows Oli.

"Do you know Oli?" I ask and he smiles and nods.

"Yeah he's like one of my bestfriends other than Jamie, you, Tony, and Vic," he says and I like that he thinks of vic as his friend.

"Is he transphobic?" I whisper nervously.

"No, Oliver doesn't care about lables. He's a really good guy, well when he's not an asshole," he says and I don't have to ask about the asshole comment. I've heard rumors that Oli gets in a lot of fights and has a lot of Ex's and flings.

"Why doesn't he sleep?" I ask wanting to know more about him.

"I'm not going to tell his secrets to you or yours to him. You'll just have to ask him," he says and I nod understanding. I take a sip of my drink and take off my jacket.

"Can I sleep in here? I don't want to go home and I dont want to see Vic right now," I mumble and he nods and i get under the covers.

"I'm going to be playing skyrim but I got headphones for the noise. You can turn off the light if you want," he says. I lean over and turn it off.

He starts playing his game with headphones in. I've been really nervous with sleeping in my binder now so I'm thinking about taking it off. I don't want bruises for a week again...

I untie it and take it off. I'm glad this ones easy to take off. I put it with my jaw and cover up with the Blankets. 

-

When I wake up from my sleep I see Mike's asleep. I get up and walk out of the room. Checking the time I see its 4am. I go downstairs and end up going outside.

My original thought was to sit on the steps but I end up walking to the park. I don't even have my shoes, binder, or hoodie.

When I get in the park I freeze when I see Oli sitting on a swing facing away from me. I look at my chest and frown. I don't have anything to hide my chest. My cup side is A so it's not too noticeable.. and it's dark. But it's to much more a risk.

When I go to leave I step on something that snaps. "Kells?" He asks. I cross my arms over my chest and turn around.  He's looking at me curiously. I look at the thick sweater tied around his waist.

"Can I wear your sweater?" I ask. He unites it from his hips and takes it to me. I shove it on quickly and feel 100 times better. Its thick, heavy, and oversized. I love it. It also smells like him.

"Thank you," I say crossing my arms but I'm not too nervous anymore.

"Where are your shoes?" He asks and I shrug. They are in Vic's room but that's not going to change anything. I'm still bear footed in front of my crush.

I wish I could be comfortable in my skin.. I want to hug him. Wait, what? He's just so hot and nice.. probably warm. My feet are so cold, so is my face.

Ever since vic kissed me I keep getting flashes of thoughts of Oli kissing me. Is that weird? I crave to be touched but I don't want to be touched. I'm so alone in my head but I'll always be alone. I'm to protective over myself.

I'll never let myself get close to someone. But Oliver's just so interesting and cool. I want to know everything about him...

I can't do that.. I can't ask questions or try to get to know him because he'll get to know me. Then I'll be even more hurt when I have to shut him out. I wont let him know my secrets.

What do you think about mike?