Complicated (First Book)

14.. idk what to say

Next chapter almost made me cry while writing... idek why

How do you feel about the speed of this?

Keep listening to music, cause it gets you through every, I promise..

Thats what I'm doing blasting music into my minds trying to drowned my thoughts. My eyes are closed and I'm trying to Imagine I still look like a guy.

But I know if I look in a mirror I'd look like a girl. I have makeup on.. a pink dress, and heels. I was forced to wear a bra and not bind.. The urge to run my fingers through my hair is strong but I'd mess up the curls...

I have so much glittery hairspray in my hair it makes me sick. Why did my mother do this? I keep getting compliments on how good I look but I don't feel good.

Excuse me while I have my meltdown.. as I think this I walk out of the church. I haven't texted Oli ever though I said I would. I'm too stressed.

They people already said their 'I do's so I don't HAVE to be here anymore. My family will be disappointed in me but that's nothing new. Tears pour out of my eyes as I walk the unfamiliar road. Cars zoom past me making me feel unstable.

What if I walked into the road?

What if I killed myself and ended this pain..

I pull out my phone and send Oli my number. Only seconds pass before my phones ringing. I'm crying.. the ugly crying with sobs and sniffles.

"O-oli? I-its not-" I breath in sharply. "-a good time t-to call," I cry and I hear him get of from something that squeaks.

"Are you home? All come over-" he starts freaking me out even more.

"N-no. I'm no-not home," I say and a car honks at me making me gasp and then break down more.

"Kellin, where are you? Are you okay?" He asks worried.

"Fuck," I say not knowing where I'm going.

"Tell M-mike to text me, b-bye," I hang up and cross the road so I can hopefully be safer.

After a few minutes theres finally a sidewalk so I get on it and check my texts.

Mike: Oli called me panicked saying you need me?

Me: can you (alone) come pick me up?

Mike: send me your location

I do as he says and sit on the curb crying. I click on Oliver's texts.

Oli: what happened?

Oli: are you hurt?

Oli: kellin you're giving me anxiety, talk to me

And then theres a missed call.. why does he care?

Me: sorry, I'll be fine later..

He starts typing but I turn off my phone and cry as I wait for Mike to come save me.

-

When he pulls up in his car I get in not bothering to hide my crying. "I can't f-fucking breath," I say shoving my shoes off and then my white elbow length gloves.

I see him look at the cuts but he doesn't say anything immediately. I'm ruining my hair now. Trying to get the glitter and curls out. In the mirror I can see I have black eye makeup running down my cheeks.

"Where are we going?" He asks.

"Y-your house, m-my parents will be m-mad I ran off," I mumble trying to stop the ugly crying.

"Where where you and why are you wearing that? That's not you.." he says and nod a little.

"I had t-to go to a wedding, m-my parents f-forced me to we-ear this.. and s-shave.." I mumble feeling like so much progress has been erased. I like not shaving because guy dont usually shave.

"Oliver's really worried, can you talk to him before he freaks out?" He says and I see tissues. I use some to clean my face and try to calm down.

"Sorry, I'm a mess," I mumble getting out my phone.

"Its okay, you're like my brother. I'm always going to help you," he says and I smile a little.

I take a few breaths to calm myself down. Slowly I press call to Oli and put it to my ear. It immediately answers and I hear his beautiful voice. "Are are okay?" He asks quickly.

"I'm k-kinda still having a panic attack, but I'm with Mike so I'm a bit better," I say pulling my knees to my chest.

"Can you tell me what happened?" He asks and I frown.

"Well.. its personal.. I just had a really bad freak out and- fuck now I'm crying again," I laugh a little wiping my tears away.

"Its okay, can we hang out later? I feel like I could make you feel better," he says and I look at my dress.

"Maybe.. I'll text you in a hour with my answer?" I ask and he agrees.

"I'm going to hang up. We just pulled up," I say and look at Mike who's looks at my outfit. I turn away from him uncomfortably.

"Okay, bye.. try to calm down and breathe," he says and I hum before hanging up.

I rush to their house trying not to be seen. When I go into the house Mum looks at me shocked.

"Kellin?" She says and I start crying again. I just can't stop bursting in tears.

"Mama he's had a bad day.. can you make some hot chocolate for him?" Mike says and I rush up stairs and into Vic's room.