Complicated (First Book)

6 for

Is the lack of koli making this suck?

At home I lay on my bed thinking. Theres so much to think about but I don't want to think about anything. I'm so lost..

Everything seems too much. I have so many problems I'm not sure which ones to think about. I can't solve any of them. I am powerless.

My family is one issue..

My body is another..

Then there's my mind..

And my relationships with people.

Don't forget my school life.

My sexual life is nonexistenting so I dont have to worry about it. I like Oli but he's hardly in the picture and I wont let him in. He thinks I'm girly. If I keep him around (not that I keep him around) he'll end up seeing through my lie.

Friend or more is a big risk. I can't date people because they will expect sexual stuff and I'm not going to do that. I hate my body and I'm not even comfortable with someone looking at me clothed
The idea of someone seeing me naked gives me anxiety and makes me upset.

I wish I was born a guy.. Then I wouldn't have these problems. I wouldn't be so emotional. People wouldn't treat me differently. My parents would love me. My brother wouldn't-

"Shut up brain," I mumble to myself. I'm wearing my binder ever though I'm not going anywhere. I just want to be me... To feel safe.

My sister walks in my room and I sit up. She closes the door and sits on my bed. She looks at my chest and has a disappointment look. I feel guilty and ashamed because of the look.

"I think mom and dad are going to get a divorce," she says softly. I shake my head no. They fight every day but they can't be separated. They always end up back together.

"I don't think so," I mumble and she keeps looking at my body. I pull my knees to my chest to hide myself.

"Can I do your makeup and dress you up? I want things to go back to how we use to be.. tea parties and pretending to be princesses," she asks clearly upset.

Our family is falling apart.. I understand why she wants to do this. "No.. kailey, I'm a boy.. boys don't do that," I mumble and she shakes her head no.

My heart hurts as she does this simple action. "You're a girl.. just because you hate it doesn't mean you magically can be a guy-" she starts.

"Please get out," I whisper feeling broken. She frowns and stands up.

"I just want my big sister back," she says about to cry. I'm hurting her by trying to be who I am... I'm such a bad person.

I stay quiet and she slowly leaves. Shes only a year younger than me but we use to play all the time. Things changed.  I've gotten distant from everybody after I came out.

They don't support me but they say they don't hate me. I'm not dumb, I know deep down they do. I like to think that it's like three layers: the outer is tolerant the middle is hatred and center is love.

Maybe deep down they love me because I am their kid?

-

Oliver's pov

I'm walking to the park but as I pass kellin's house I hear screaming. Not kellin's voice. It appears to be his parents.

I check my phone for the time: 11pm..

I keep walking now thinking about kellin. He's really intriguing. Whenever I think about him my mind goes into overdrive.

Do his parents always argue? Is that why he sneaks out? Kellin is an adorable guy. He's so sweet and feminine. However I don't think he likes being called girly.

He seemed really upset when I said he seemed girly. It wasn't supposed to be an insult. I like feminine guys.

When I get to the dark park I sit on a swing. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to bother anyone. Maybe kellin would want to come? His parents are arguing, it could be a distraction for him.

I get out my phone and go to Instagram. I'm following him and he's following me but we don't communicate or even like each other's posts.

I message him in hopes he'll get the message.

Me: hey I'm at the park, wanna join?

Does that seem creepy or weird? What if he's made at me? To my surprise he opens it almost immediately.

Kellin: I'm in bed about to sleep..

Denied

Me: okay, gn

Kellin: gn

Well I guess I'll just be alone... I shouldn't be upset about this. I usually like being alone. The park is my get away. I can't fall asleep here because it's too cold. That's a good thing. That's the whole reason I'm here.

I'm avoiding sleep because sleep is for the weak and I'll never rest. Until I'm dead of course. But the dead don't have dreams.

I'm plagued with night terrors so I try to never sleep. Of course I sleep some but I try to just take small naps short enough to not dream but long enough so I don't die.

Jiang Xiaoshan, a 26-year-old soccer fan from Changsha was found dead by his mother after staying awake for 11 days to watch all of the Euro 2012 tournament. He died after Ireland's 2-0 defeat to Italy on June 18, according to the Telegraph...

That means I can go 11 nights without sleeping but honestly after 24 hours I'm usually passing out randomly. Its I sleep about a hour last night so I should be okay.

Bro you can learn something from my stories..