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22 months ago

It was a normal day. Nothing special was going on. I had just finished my last lesson. I felt so tired from school but luckily it was a friday and I could rest during the weekend. I walked up to the car. Today my dad came to pick me up wich was very strange. He never picked me up only if it was something important.

When I walk up to the car I immediately noticed that something was wrong. His eyes said it all. My dad tried to hide the sadness in his eyes by smilinh at me but I saw through it. I alway saw through his masks. I gave him a quik hug before entering the car. He toned down the radio wich was also strange considering my dad loves listening to the radio.

I decided not to ask about it yet. Maybe he would tell me himself once we are in the car. I really hoped so because this didn't look good at all. My dad turns on the car and we ride out of the parking lot. He suddenly sighed and I could feel some bad news was coming.
'Angel hunnie I have to tell you something. Don't panic okay?'
I looked at him with confusion in my eyes. His eyes conectes to mine and I nodded. Thousands of thoughts were going through my mind. But I was never expecting the next thing he said.

'Your mother has been diagnosed with leukemia.'

~

19 months ago

These past months I bearly slept nor have eaten at all. Everything I was doing was for my mother. I spend every split second I could with her. It came an point were the workers had put up a second bed against my mother's bed in her room  so that I could sleep with her. I was thankful for the few left people who still have a heart.

I did everything I could. But even I understood that there as a big chance she wouldn't survive. My mother has went through a lot with the chemotherapy and it made her more weak day by day. We were all there for her and she knew it. I didn't go to school anymore. I skipped most of it just to be with my mother. I never knew when she's going to pass away but I had to be there with her. I also decorated her room. She would be spending her last few months in a room full of memories and her favourite things. I had replaced all her things from our house to her room. And the room she was facing from bed I had completely decorated with all of the paintings and designs I made as a little child. It made her feel so loved and happy and that was exactly what I wanted to achieve with it. Everything I did was for her and I was ready to give my all. Because these were my last months with her and I knew it.

~

18 months ago

I enteres the hospital with two coffees in my hands. The workes recognised me immediately and I greet them. I walked my usual path to my mom's room. When I entered I found her reading one of her books in bed.

She looked up and when she saw me her smile grew wider.
'Angel hunnie I didn't think you would come again today after you left this morning.'
'I had school in the morning but I skipped the last two periods because I really couldn't wait to see you again', I smiles at her. Her smile grew even wider. I hand her her favourite coffee wich makes her even more happy. As always I sit down against her in the bed under the covers while she hugs me.

'Angel there is actually something I have to talk to you about', her voice becomes serious. The fear I felt at that moment was indescribable. I was ready for her to say that she only had a few days left, hours or maybe even minutes....

'Tell me mommy', I answer.

mommy
I used to call her like that when I was younger. But these last months I had the need to call like that again.

'I don't know how long I have left and there are some very important things I have to tell you before I go.'

Even though we spend so much time together, we never talked about what would happend after my mother's death. To be honest it was way to brutal for me to think about that. I always pushed those thoughts away.

'Mommy I don't know what I'm going to do without you in my life', I spoke with tears already building up in my eyes. She weakly smiled while she rubbed my tears away with her fingers.

'Oh Angel you know I love you so much and I will always be there for you, watching you. I will bd watching you when you will graduate, when you will walk down the aisle on your wedding day or when you will have your own daughter. I will ne watching all of you during your worst and best moments. Never forget that I will forever love you. Don't let anyone hurt you and never forget about your dreams. Maybe I will die tomorrow or in a few months but know that your mother will be there for you and I will be waiting for your dad and you.'

'Mommy please don't leave me.'

~

16 months ago

Today my mother died. It was a day I would never forget. I had officially lost all faith in life.

It felt as if it never stopped. Everyday I woke up with the same pain I felt the moment she died. We were all there when her beautiful soul left her body. I felt her last breath when she hugged me and died in the arms
of her family, husband and daughter. It broke me.

She was my whole world and when she left, my world broke into pieces. My mother was the most precious thing in my life and I didn't imagine life without. Even though she had been slowly dying these past months, those were the best months in my entire life.

The next few weeks were a complete disaster. It came to a point were I self harmed myself madly. And when that no longer gave me the peace I aimed for, I was at thd point of killing myself. My almost suicide try I called my first ever episode. It was the first time I went this crazy and psycho. The only that kept me from doing it were the tought about my father and how I couldn't leave him like that.

Every day it went better with me. Before my mother got sick,I was friends with almost everyone. I had my own best friends group. But I quikly cut all of them off when my mother got sick. Then when she died and after a few weeks after her death I started attending school again, I didn't talk to them again. Only Amara was the person I kept talking to. That's how I went from the social enthusiast girl to a quiet broken girl. I also found my peace in alcohol, drugs and sigarettes.