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29

(Angel's outfit)

'When trust is broken, sorry means nothing.'

It is one of my favorite poets. I had never experienced anything that could be related to this phrase, but now I do. Even though River never told me he is sorry for what he did, he broke my trust. I actually started trusting him. I had these fantastic moments made up in my head about the two of us together and how amazing it would feel. It is too beautiful to be true. I pictured the two of us together. But it was way too beautiful to be true and now I understand that. And that really does break my hard. It is hard.

I have never been through a real breakup as I have never even been in one relationship before but I am pretty sure this is what a breakup feels like. Because my heart is teard into little pieces. The pieces I try to put together but utterly fail at.

The world is a harsh place.

I softly brush my finger against the paper on the place where the poet is written. It is a beautiful book that used to be my mother's but when she became sick, she gave me this book full of beautiful poets. She told me that if I had a hard time I could read it to pull myself away from the real world for some time. After a long time I have decided to read it again. This time I look differently at some of the poets. I would say with more experience. I think my mother knew that I would go through some things without her by my side and that I will have to heal from and that. She always knew everything even now.

The feelings I have for River are unexplainable but I know they are there and it calms me to know that this is a normal feeling. These are some fucked up feelings I feel to him and it is okay to accept that. I try to accept it and work on it. At least I realise that there will never be anything between the two of us. Not after what he has done to me and my family.

I close the book after some time. Then I slowly get off of my little comfortable couch and I make my way to my desk. I softly put the book down on my desk before reading my favorite poet over again. It fascinates me how just a few words in one phrase have affected me this much. This poet has me deep in thought. These last days I have been thinking way too much for my own good will. Everything that has been going on has affected me a lot and I would give anything up to not have to think about anything for at least one second.

This year had to be calm and not nerve racking but instead I am always deep in thought. People of my age hang out with their friends and go on dates with the guys that they like. And look at me, the guy that I like has turned in my dad who is now at jail. No shit I am always on nerves and anxious as fuck. This has affected me a lot and I thought I would be in such a situation ever again but I am stuck.

I walk up to my closet. After some time I choose an outfit and I quikly change into it. When I am done , I look into the mirror with a somewhat satisfied expression. I look really good in this fit. With a smile plastered on my face, I make my way downstairs where I find my grandma sitting on the couch while she watches one of her favorite cooking series. I quikly give her a kiss on the cheeck right before I leave. I am already late because I though it was a good idea to read some poets right before school. So in a hurry I leave the house and I get into the car.

~

School has gone by pretty fast wich doesn't happen that often with me. Everything was okay today. Almost everyone have calmed down and my dad is luckily not the topic of the day anymore. Wich makes my nerves calm down a little, but just a little. I also haven't seen River at all since the last timd we talked. I utterly try not to bump into him but that is not a problem because I literally never see him. Even though his car is parked in front of the school.

I also have decided not to do anything before I know more about this situation. I think it would be stupid to do random things out of revenge. It is not a fact it will go as planned and I have a feelings there is way too much that I know about yet. My dad doesn't want to tell me anything at all. Also asking River is not an option at all so I will have to ask my grandmother first because I am pretty sure she knows a lot more then I do. She is somehow also invested in this. That means it is something our families and not just River and my father.

Amara and I walk out of the school while talking about some random stuff. Neomi is no where to be found also. I guess she is making out with some random guy in her his car or something. She does that a lot and it wouldn't surprise me if she did something like that again. But instead I try not to judge her. She lives her life how she wants to and I shouldn't bash her for it. Even though I don't understand how she can be so clueless about everything as if she doesn't think at all. Or maybe she is just trying to get her thoughts away from her own dark secrets.

The two of us walk into the direction of our cars. We just talk about random stuff and it feels nice just not to talk about River or my dad for once. She tells me about her plans for friday. She wants to hold a movie night and invite some people including me. I think it is a good idea to just hang out with friends for once and not care.

I notice Adam coming our way. But he doesn't stop in front of us. He walks straight by us with a evil smirk plastered on his face as if he is about to do something really bad but that is Adam. He does whatever he wants and gets away with it. I turn my head to the direction where Adam is currently walking in. He is walking straight to a person I only now notice.

River is leaving the school and walkig into the direction of his car when his eyes meet mine. We make eyecontact for a few second before his attention is on Adam who is currently walking directly to River. I see him uninterestedly continue walking to his car. He seems to not care about Adam even though at the party he beated the shit out of him.

'Hey Freak !'

Adam on the other hand starts his bully show again and this time I say nothing about it. I tell myself over and over again that I don't care. Maybe I will believe myself if I say it enought times.

I sigh.

It does affect me. It still does affect me after all that River has done to me and my family. I quietly watch as Adam pushes River while River doesn't do anything back. He seems uninterested still. I can see how that makes Adam even more mad because he wants to get some type of reaction out of River. But instead he just unlocks his car and gets in while Adam is still laughing at him.

'Yeah run away freak.'