A Mother's Pride

Chapter 19

"Your kids are angels. Naledi is exactly like you when you were a kid." My mom says.

I am sitting on the edge of the bed and my mom is tucked in nicely in bed like I have just tucked in one of my babies when they are sick.

"I'm so sorry you could only meet them now."

"Would you stop apologizing already, all that is  in the past. You were a teenager, and your emotions were running wild. You were not the first teenager to fall pregnant, nor fight with her parents."

"But that does not make it right."

"I also had an input, I told you to leave, and you did."

"But you were--"

"Stop this please. It is all over. What is important is that I am here now, with you and I was wrong about Thabo the whole time. I should be the one apologizing."

I shift uncomfortably on the bed and by all means, avoid eye contant. She is feeling guilty and she isn't supposed to. She was right about Thabo and that is what I should be apologizing for. I still regret not listening to her back then.

"Momo, I never stopped thinking about you. I thought about you every night before I went to sleep, you were all I could think about. If you were safe, if you had eaten and all of that. I missed you so much."

The name Momo makes me feel nostalgic. My dad is the one who gave me that name and I loved it, that is how I introduced myself wherever I went back in the day.

When I was out in the streets playing, my dad called me with that name and I would come home running. It was great.

I had always been daddy's girl. Everyday, from the first day of crèche, I would find my dad sitting on the couch, watching his favorite soapies and I jumped on his lap and he asked me all about my day. It never got old, it happened every single day. I told him everything that happened, the good and the bad and we laughed about it, teased people and I sang him my favorite songs from crèche.

It happened even when I was in primary school, the same routine everyday and I enjoyed spending time with my father. His jokes were always hilarious, he made me laugh until my stomach hurt. All those conversations ended with, "daddy loves you, never forget that okay?"

"Okay daddy." I was always too shy to say it back. I wonder if it made him sad that I never said it back but I loved him, I just could not say it, as much as I wanted to. I mean, he was my father and the more time I spent with him, was the more I learnt to appreciate him.

I wish I had told him how much I loved him. At least he would have died knowing that his daughter loved him dearly.

When I turned fifteen, all that changed. I started dating and spent more time with my boyfriend more than with my family, especially dad. Because I got home late, we could not do that whole session whereby I sat on his lap and talked about my day. I lost interest in all of that and would do anything to please my Thabo. I came home late, left home early, lied to my parents and I did not notice that I was minimizing the time I spent with them. I am their only child and they lost that, I  disappointed them. I took all that time from them.

I miss my dad.

Time. Once you lose it, you can never regain it. Which is why we should treasure every single moment we spend with our loved ones.

Life alone is a gift and a lot of people do not appreciate that gift.

Look at me, I did not spend enough time with my father. I had the privilege, which some kids, like my own, did not have and what did I do? I wasted it, I threw it all away. And now I feel horrible.

I feel a very soft thumb on my cheek, wiping the lone tear that just made its way down my cheek.

"Regret is not good."

"But it's all I feel." I sniffle.

"Think positivity only."

"It's hard." I tell my mom.

"Come here." She pats the empty space that is next to her and I scoot closer.

"Your father knew you loved him, if that's what you are wondering. He blamed himself for everything most of the times. He thought about you too. Sometimes, he would act crazy, as though he was losing his mind. We learnt to live without you but you were still in our hearts. Honestly, saying all that just made me realize that I might be making you feel worse right now. But that is not the intention. I probably do not understand how you feel but I do not want you to feel like that and I was hoping me being here would make you feel less horrible."

Not when I keep lying to you, I think.

"What do I do mom?" I mumble on her shoulder.

"You focus on the present and the future because Momo, what's done is done. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. It's over. It's gone. He's gone. You have to accept that whatever happened, happened and you lived and that's what's important.

"At the time, the decision you made, made you happy so why regret it? At some point in your life, it was the greatest decision you have ever made, I do not see why you should regret something that once made you smile. It brought you another daughter, which is a good thing because having one child is not always good. Look at the mansion you live in.

"Your father had lived his life the way he wanted to, he made his own decisions without anybody interfering, and he probably didn't regret any one of them. Why are you regretting yours?

"At least you spent sixteen years of your life with him, that's something to be cheerful about. That you enjoyed the little time you had with him and that it was great. At least when you had the chance, you made him happy, you made him smile, you made him feel like a father. Look on the bright side Momo."

Her last sentence sounds really familiar. More like Chris' words and I do not want to think about him.

I keep shifting uncomfortably every time she mentions "my" mansion. I'm not sure if she is ready for the disappointing truth that I have to present to her, at least not yet.

I will tell her, someday.

"I love you mom." I will make sure I let her know before I lose her too.

"I love you too Momo."