A Mother's Pride

Chapter 57

Mmampho's POV

"Chris I can't do this anymore. It's too much for me," I tried to take deep breaths so that I would stop crying but that just made me hyperventilate. I think he was about to tell me to calm down but he stopped himself because I told him never to tell a woman to calm down when she is panicking.

"I need you to breath." As if that's different. As soon as those words left his mouth, I got frustrated even more. I wanted to shout at him or just hang up. I was breathing and that did not help me, what more did he want?

"What's going on?" He asks.

"I cannot study and I am writing in two weeks Chris. Two weeks. I don't know... what to do. My brain... won't take..." I paused and stood up from the bed.

I walked to the window and peeped outside, then looking out the dark, I found the courage to continue, "anymore of this studying. My jobs just feel like baggage that keeps pinning me to the ground. I don't know how to... how to do this anymore." The lump in my throat became hard to swallow and I felt like if I tried a little bit more, I would choke. There was no response at the other end of the line and I felt myself losing it.

"I told you to stop being hard on yourself." That's all he could come up with and I regretted making those calls in the first place. I could not believe that I said all those things and all he could say was I told you to stop being hard on yourself. As if I was doing it intentionally. I did not say anything to him, we kept quiet for a while. It was like we were doing a contest on who can go the longest without saying anything and it was driving me crazy.

"You do all these things; go to school, work three jobs and feel the pressure to make money and do the best for your kids and stuff, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's a bad thing but because of all that, you don't have time for yourself. You don't have time to just meditate, or take a walk. Having some you time can be really helpful. That way things feel less overwhelming. You are working too hard to prove to everybody that you are independent and all that but what about you? What about pleasing yourself? What about putting yourself first? Isn't that why you decided to go solo in the first place? Yes getting money is important but being happy is way more important than any amount of cash--."

"Easy for you to say, you have all the money in the world."

"Which is why I know that money doesn't guarantee you happiness or peace. As much as it is important for you to provide for yourself and your kids, it is just as important to be at peace and be happy. Are you happy?" He asks the question like I am some fragile human being.

Am I happy? I know I am proud of myself but was I happy? I felt everything good in the world when I started being independent but was any of those emotions happiness or serenity? At the beginning maybe the whole idea made me excited that I was finally doing something productive with my life and that I was doing it on my own but recently, I was just feeling overworked, exhausted, emotional, both emotionally and physically drained, fatigued, stressed, anxious, confused, and I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

I never had time for myself or my children, I hardly saw Mavis as well. I was always too busy working or studying.

"I don't know." I sniffed.

"Look, you clearly need time for yourself. You time is when you take a break from all of the chaos in your life and for that time you pretend like it does not exist. For that time you feel like it is just you existing and you get to release it all, all the pressure and the baggage. It's like taking a breather and just having fun, you know, just forgetting about your troubles."