A Mother's Pride

Chapter 36

Mmampho's POV

I let Chris help me but it got out of hand real quickly. I mean, why did he have to confess his feelings? Just because I let him help me, he thinks I'd agree to get back together with him just like that? I told him not to get any ideas.
What was he even talking about, he has a girlfriend doesn't he? Or did they break up already?

Yesterday was a really long day. And a part of me regrets how it ended. He was so full of hope when he got there, but when he left, he looked so shattered and I am fully responsible for making him feel that way. Again.

He asked for my new number so that we can "get together," but I refused and told him that we do not have to.

"Chris, I was serious, we cannot get back together." I told him.

"But why? I thought you loved me."

So that's why he thought he has a chance with me. Well, there was only one thing that I could do that will make him back off.

I would bring up the girl that answered his phone on the day after Christmas but that would just make me sound jealous and that was the last thing I wanted. I did not want him to see me like that at all, because then I would have to explain my jealousy and why I have a problem with him moving on if I am the one that ended things with him. So I was avoiding that.

"Why did you call me on Christmas? You were worried about me right? That means you still care." He said and the hope in his eyes was so clear that I could not ignore it. It made me feel horrible on the inside, like he was a small child that I had just told that the tooth fairy was just a myth that parents told us. But I had to crash it, one way or the other. He had been overthinking the whole thing and it had to end today.

"Chris you looked too much into this, you were overthinking the whole thing. I just called because everybody was worried about you, Nina sounded really worried and I was doing her a favor because she knew you would never avoid my calls. Turns out she was wrong and so was I for thinking the same thing. And I am allowed to worry, you looked after my kids and I, that's the favor I could return, I guess. It did not mean anything more than that."

Of course I was worried about him. Of course I still care about him but that does not mean we have to get back together. I need a break from men, from relationships. I need to focus on myself now and I do not think anybody but me gets it. And they really do not have to. I'm not denying the fact that Chris is a wonderful man, but I'm also not denying the fact that I might be bad for him. I don't know why he doesn't want to see that I am toxic. He is so delusional.

"Oh." He takes a pause and blinks his eyes rapidly and avoids eye contact. "You said you loved me though, why did..."

He didn't back off. He was so insistent and at that point, it sucked because I had to swallow my pride. But I refused to, I had to lie to him, maybe that would make him leave me alone. He had to leave me alone. He had to accept that I am not a good woman for him, and I cannot offer a stable relationship. He deserves way better than I can offer. I had to let him go. I had to set him free.

If he's busy following me around because of the words I said two months ago, then maybe I should take them back. That way, I could give him the closure that he needed. Even if it's fake.

"I did back then, but I got over it while we were apart. And so should you by now." He wasn't looking at me, he was facing the steering wheel and his eyes were teary.

"Say it, I...want to hear you say it." His voice broke into a whine but he was trying to hide it.

"I..." I swallowed the lump in my throat. My eyes started to water as I was about to lie to that man. He is literally the greatest man that I have ever met.